Recycling

[Henry J]

Dear Dog/Cat:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

========================================================

[lswot]

Where is everyone? Henry! Did you scare them off?

[Henry J]

Maybe everybody flew south to get away from all those FLAKES!! that are coming down out there?

[lswot]

Maybe everybody flew south to get away from all those FLAKES!! that are coming down out there?

well, perhaps........it's just so quiet

[Henry J]

CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAM ANSWERS
-Real answers given by children-

Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How can you delay milk from turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and look forward to his adultery.

Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument?
A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

(Stolen from a supermarket weekly newspaper)

Louise

[lswot]

Where's Art Linkletter?

[Henry J]

He's not available.

[Henry J]

College Degrees

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

------------------------------------

[lswot]

... good one

[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

"But doctor," lamented the young husband in counseling, "whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical."
"You mean, hysterical," said the doctor.
"No, historical. She is always digging up my past."

------------------------------------

[Henry J]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.

He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!"

The psychiatrist responds, "You need to relax. You're two tents."

------------------------------------

[Henry J]

What do you call a 5' psychic on the run from the police?

.
.
.

A small medium at large.

------------------------------------

I have to wonder though, why is it that psychics don't win lotteries way more than non-psychics?

[Henry J]

Here is a real Groaner:

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

------------------------------------

[lswot]

Yep it is a "groaner"

[Henry J]

Take two aspirin...