Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:02 am

Take two acetylsalicylic tablets and call somebody in the morning...

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:03 am

Thoughts

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? [Cardboard?]
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do tug boats push their barges?
Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating? [Only if they flounder?]
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? ["EEK"?]
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food? [Get Scooby Doo to solve the mystery?]
Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving? [Was it a near miss?]

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Oct 12, 2015 6:00 pm

Thoughts

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow? [Exactly!]
Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a long word? [For the contrast?]
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? [Didn't it start out that way?]
Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? [And putt on the green?]
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
Why call it a building if it's already been built?
Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets? [To hold earphone and microphone?]
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? [Tune bagpipes? Oxymoron?]
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? [Bwahaha... ha?]
Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? [Oh don't pull the wool over our eyes!]
If the front of your car says DODGE, do you really need a horn?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do they use to ship styrofoam? [Same thing as yesterday, if you're paying attention!]
Eschew obfuscation!

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 3:42 pm

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last
2) Which country makes Panama hats?!
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!

.
.
.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?!
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Oct 15, 2015 7:52 pm

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful. First grade ... true story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "....and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh1t! A talking chicken!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Oct 16, 2015 5:19 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Oct 17, 2015 11:21 am

Unstoppable Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950...

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE" VIRUS.

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Oct 18, 2015 7:47 am

I know why Jim & Elaine go on Cruises so much!
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

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lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sun Oct 18, 2015 9:39 am

How fun!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Oct 20, 2015 6:15 pm

Baby Jokes

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

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Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Oct 21, 2015 5:29 pm

Good Nutrition
Teacher: Megan, what are the four main food groups?

Megan: Canned, frozen, instant and lite.

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lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Oct 22, 2015 9:32 am

Works for me.....I'd add 'take out'

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Oct 22, 2015 5:19 pm

Coed Dorms

The class discussion centered on the university's coed dorms.

While the professor said this cohabitation of men and women reflected the newer generation's relaxed ethical standards, many students disagreed.

Finally one student asked, "You mean you never walked into a woman's dorm after hours when you were in college?

"Never," the teacher replied firmly. "I had to climb in through the window."

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Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 9:02 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 6:10 pm

Work Jokes

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite

impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but

what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy

immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

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(Sounds like those workers would be out on a limb, if there was one to be out on! )

The Show Place

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