Recycling

[Henry J]

Police Jokes

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.

"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."

"Which one?" asked the operator.

"The one that was robbed."

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[Henry J]

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
(And child proof! Also fences ain't for sittin' on. Or for selling things. Maybe for gossip, though. )

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
(Not to mention telemarketers, but let's not mention them. And other wild critters, too. )

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
(Yeah, plowing through a stump could leave you... stumped!)

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
(That's the buzz, all right. Those critters to tend to go in an, er, beeline, don't they. )

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
(Depends on how much wax is in there, though. Wax on, wax off. Chop chop. )

[Henry J]

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
(Yeah, it takes practice!)

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
(Absotively! And exactamundo!)

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
(Especially if it's a honey badger!)

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
(They don't weigh much, huh?)

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
(At least not without a Delorean with a flux capacitor!)

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[Henry J]

* Every path has a few puddles.
(These boots are made for walking?)

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
(OINK!)

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
(But who wants to be a role model?)

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
(What about Murphy's law?)

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
(Or their relatives by them!)

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[Henry J]

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
(Or in other words, the closed mouth gathers no foot? )

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
(On the other hand, a clear conscious is a sign of a bad memory!)

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
(Or in other words, if it ain't broke, don't fix it? )

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
(That's a precipitous thought!)

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
(Except while playing golf?)

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[Henry J]

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
(Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield?)

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
(Let us reflect on that!)

* Always drink upstream from the herd.
(But first, you gotta figure out: where's the beef!)

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
(Here come de judge! Here come de judge!)

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
(Maybe if you throw some catnip into the bag first?)

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
(Woof! Woof!)

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[Henry J]

: Animal Jokes

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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(Oh, it was probably all the fowl language due to being cross about being stuck on this side of the road... )

[Henry J]

There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

*****

[Henry J]

van Gogh's family tree

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -----------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white --------Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ----------------------------Chica Gogh

His magician uncle --------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------A-mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ----------------------------Cant Gogh

The ballroom-dancing aunt -----------------------Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ------------------------E Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ----------------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------Way to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew -------------------------Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ------ Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there ya Gogh

Charles

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[Henry J]

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

It is better to keep quiet and be thought stupid than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. And a really smart guy wasn't sure about the former. (Or so I've read somewhere, but of course things might be relative.)

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[Henry J]

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

(Just don't ask me what an "Antartian" might be! )

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[Xjmt]

(Just don't ask me what an "Antartian" might be! )

Make up some definitions and we'll vote on them.

[Henry J]

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There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around"

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Washington, Nixon and Clinton
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

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[Henry J]

Politicians and Diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

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[lswot]

Good one !