Recycling

[Henry J]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the h--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back.

(A version of this one was a subplot on an episode of M*A*S*H )

--------------------

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Subject: Preacher & the Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya."

------------------

[Henry J]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."

(I resemble that remark!)

--------------------

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Top 10 reasons computers are male

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

A better model is always just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

It is always necessary to have a backup.

They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

Big power surges knock them out for the night.

Size does matter

--------------------

Why Computers Must Be Female

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

--------------------

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Judges Jokes

Judge: "Haven't I seen you before?"
Man: "Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums."

Judge: "Twenty years!"

--------------------

[lswot]

[Henry J]

: Question / Answer Jokes

Teacher: "why are you always late for school?"

Student: "Because you always ring the bell before I get here!"

--------------------

[lswot]

Logical!

[Henry J]

But of course!

--------------------

Sport Jokes

Dad: "What happened to your eye?"

Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."

--------------------

[lswot]

SURPRISE!!!!!

[Henry J]

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

--------------------