Recycling

[Henry J]

: Police Jokes

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "

The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

--------------------------

[Henry J]

A Good Liar

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."

"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

--------------------------

[lswot]

and so the story goes (drum roll)

[Henry J]

Running for Senate

A young man was running for the Senate in New York State. His political adviser heard some news that really upset him.

"Look," he said, "You've got to go to Albany right away or you'll lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."

"I've got to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose more votes," the candidate replied.

"What's going on in Buffalo?" the adviser asked.

"They're telling the truth about me there," the candidate replied.

--------------------------

(Yeah, that could be worse, huh? )

[lswot]

sadly,yeah

[Henry J]

No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Charles

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[Henry J]

To be is to do! - Socrates (although, that's Greek to me)

To do is to be! - Sartre

Do-be-do-be-do! - Frankly speaking

Yabba-dabba-doo! - Fred, a Bedrock of his society

Scooby Doo, where are you! - Shaggy (and the other meddling kids)

=======================

[Henry J]

Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a watchdog group, recently released its annual list of Wacky Warning Labels. Here are the winners:

1. A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

2. An electric hand blender used to blend, whip, chop and dice advises purchasers: "Never remove food from blades while the product is operating."

3. A popular scooter for children cautions: "This product moves when used."

4. This warning was discovered on a thermometer used to take a person's temperature: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

DDDDddduuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!

-----------
Louise

=======================

(I guess it's a matter of degree? )

[Henry J]

: One Liners Jokes

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

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[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

=======================

[Henry J]

Movie Stars

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

=======================

(Was that one well composed, or what?)

[Henry J]

A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he begins.

"Go ahead, son," the priest says.

"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind."

"That's great," the priest replies. "'Thou shalt not steal' is a powerful commandment."

"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."

=======================

(Confession is good for the something or other?)

[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
[Thus leading to the clone wars?]

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
[After which, Elvis leaves the building. ]

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies, continued

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blond and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
[But what about fusion? ]

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
[Well, as long as those sharks don't eat women... ]

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies, continued

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
[De plane! De plane!]

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
[Just ask any of Hogan's men.]