Recycling

[Henry J]

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

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[Henry J]

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued. and WON!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART!

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! No wonder third world countries think we're nuts!

Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

Subject: MATH

The math teacher saw that little Timmy wasn't paying attention in Class.
She called on him and said, "Timmy! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Timmy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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( Timmy must have been channeling somebody to get that answer so quickly!
Or at least that seems like a remote possibility. )

( But on the other hand, since NBC is 5, and CBS is 10, and cartoon is 77, he got it wrong! )

[lswot]

depends on where you live.

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

A good pun is its own reword.

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[lswot]

without saying.....I mean, really WITHOUT SAYING.

[Xjmt]

without saying.....I mean, really WITHOUT SAYING.

[Henry J]

without saying.....I mean, really WITHOUT SAYING.

If ya say so!

[Henry J]

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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[lswot]

you think these things all by your self, don't you?

[Henry J]

Uh - no.

[Henry J]

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point ...

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[lswot]

[Henry J]

Computer terms (1 of 4):

24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack

Access Control List (ACL)
The operating system file that gives users access to files and programs they have no good reason to access

Analyst, security
A mercenary paid vast sums of money to tell you that your systems can't be secured

Back door
A hacker's front door

Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it

BC/DR (Business Continuity/Disaster Recovery Planning)
An alternate spelling for "CISO"

Biometrics
Strong authentication mechanism that streamlines insider attacks

Bot
See "Zombie"

Business case
A creative writing project, the quality of which is directly proportional to your security budget

Client/server
Two types of easily hacked computers

Clean desk policy
What document users admit to ignoring during your intellectual property theft investigation