Recycling

[Henry J]

Computer terms (2 of 4):

Confidentiality, integrity and availability
The three great myths of the Internet Age

Crackers
Hackers

Cryptography
The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to sensitive data with the aim of making Bruce Schneier exceedingly rich

Cybercrime
Crime

Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS)
See "Bot"

Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime

E-Commerce
A historical fad from the late '90s meant to generate hundreds of billions of dollars in new profits; the inciting factor that generated hundreds of billions of dollars being spent on security products

Firewalls
Speed bumps

Hackers
Self-righteous crackers
[Or, that girl in the Jurassic Park movie]

Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee

Identity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it

[Henry J]

Computer terms (3 of 4):

Intrusion Detection Systems (IDS)
Log file generators

JOOTT ("jute")
adj. Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most information security problems
[Is that a synonym of "SNAFU"?]

Laptop
A computer designed to allow employees to easily store vast amounts of customer data in the backseat of a taxicab

Logging
The practice of filling shelves with printouts

Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron

Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets

Non-repudiation
The opposite of repudiation; repudiation, only not

O.S. hardening
An attempt to secure your operating system against the next hack by closing the hole used by the previous one

Passwords
Authentication tool that, when properly implemented, drives growth at the help desk

Patching
A mandatory fool's errand

Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood
[Phooey.]

[lswot]

" Acronym for Just One Of Those Things; the primary explanation for most information security problems
[Is that a synonym of "SNAFU"?]"

Yes!

[Henry J]

Computer terms (3.999997 of 4):

PKI (Public-Key Infrastructure)
A system designed to transfer all of the complexities of strong authentication onto end users

Regression testing
The process by which you learn how the patches that fixed your system also broke your system

Road warriors
Traveling employees responsible for delivering malicious code back to headquarters

Scope creep
Stage three of the standard software development model

Security administrator
Firefighter

Security officer
Fall guy

Total Cost of Ownership (TCO)
In security, an incalculable number always equal to or greater than the budget

Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software
[Or merely to add obstructions to actually doing anything useful with that software.]

Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly

Worm
Similar to a virus, but different
[Where's an early bird when you need one?]

Zombie
See "Distributed Denial of Service"

*****

[Henry J]

Test Answers, 1 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.

Q: Name the 4 seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain 1 of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

[Henry J]

Test Answers, 2 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.

Q: How are the main parts of the body (e. g, abdomen) categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels: A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

[Henry J]

Test Answers, 3 of 3: In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us. These are actual test answers given by kids of varying ages from different schools.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be 8.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and look forward to his adultery.

Q: What is the Law of Logical Argument?
A: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

*****

[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

"But doctor," lamented the young husband in counseling, "whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical."

"You mean, hysterical," said the doctor.

"No, historical. She is always digging up my past."

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[Henry J]

Here is a real Groaner:

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

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[lswot]

good one

[Henry J]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.

He says, "I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam! I'm a tee-pee! I'm a wig-wam!"

The psychiatrist responds, "You need to relax. You're two tents."

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(Well, to all in tents and purposes, anyway.)

[Henry J]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

.

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

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'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

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[lswot]

groan

[Henry J]

Just don't ask where I got that one - you don't wanna know!

[Henry J]

What do you call a 5' psychic on the run from the police?

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A small medium at large.

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