Recycling

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

This is a true story.*

On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You've heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?

I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can't they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.

I'm finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: "Thanks for helping me separate these two carts."

(Don't put the carts before the horses... )

*Or at least that's what it said when I first read it!

[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."
"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"
"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

(Row row row your bench...)

(Up the park without a paddle? )

(Hey, did those guys have licenses to fish? If not, no wonder they were floundering on their perch! )

[Henry J]

Work Jokes

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, "I'll tell you; its very simple – it's the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me."

(Sneaky!)

[Henry J]

Musician Jokes

A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

(At least it's not bagpipes...)

[lswot]

"
(At least it's not bagpipes...)

I knew someone would come up with that.
I happen to like them, really

[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

Asia was by far my favorite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."

"What about the pagodas?" a man besides her asked. "Did you see them?"

"Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them."

(Bon apetit!)

(One of these days, somebody should buy that woman a dictionary! )

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: "If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy."

(I've heard that anybody who goes to a psychiatrist should get their head examined.)

(Then there was the guy who was asked if his relatives suffered from insanity. He said no, they seem to enjoy it. )

[lswot]

good ones

[lswot]

Laugh and the world laughs with you,
Snore and you sleep alone!

[Henry J]

BWA HA HA HA HA ha ha HA. Ha?



Edit:
Well, if the Shoe fits!

[Henry J]

Later in the day, the history teacher was lecturing on the founding of Roman civilization and asked the class "When was Rome built?"

Wee Willie immediately raised his hand and responded "At night!"

The teacher frowned and asked where he had learned that. Wee Willie replied: "My dad - he always says that Rome wasn't built in a day..."

(If it wasn't build by day, was it build by knights? Or maybe displaced Trojans? )

[Henry J]

The chemistry teacher at Strathtweed High School asked if anyone in the class could recall the chemical composition of water - which he had given in the previous lesson. Wee Willie Forsyth's hand shot up and he responded "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O sir!"

The teacher was stunned and asked "Where did you get that from?"

Wee Willie replied "It was you, sir. You said yesterday that the chemical composition of water was H to O."

(It's elementary!)

(Sounds like that kid's gonna be a man of letters! Though probably not a chemist. )

[Henry J]

PRICELESS

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!

Broken Coffee Table: $139.00
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless

[Henry J]

Computer Jokes

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium, the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.