Recycling

[Henry J]

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

*********

[Henry J]

Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

***********

[Henry J]

********
"The Book of Genesis"
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said," Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game".

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil created HMO's.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the devil created lite beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

*********

[Henry J]

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Henry J]

You might be an engineer if ... (part 1)

choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

You bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

You refer to "golden arches" as "yellow parabolas".

*****

[Henry J]

An optimist sees the glass as half full.

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

An engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

[Henry J]

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."

Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!

Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

It's elementary!

[Henry J]

You might be an engineer if ... (part 2)

You know what <http:// stands for.

You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

You see a good design and still have to change it.

You spent more on buying your calculator than you did on buying your wedding ring.

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

You window shop at Radio Shack

Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

You've already calculated how much you make per second.

You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

***********

[Henry J]

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

**************

(I think I resemble most of those remarks!)

[lswot]

Soooo, you want to be an engineer??

[Henry J]

[Henry J]

...

[lswot]

Are you at a loss for words?

[Henry J]

"You have to kiss an awful lot of frogs before you find a prince."
- Graffito

"It takes a lot of practice for a girl to kiss like a beginner."
- Anonymous (Ladies Home Journal)

"It's not easy being green."
- Kermit

[Henry J]

Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department (part 1 of 2)

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

*************