Recycling

[Henry J]

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law

*****

[Henry J]

Don't do this... or rules for life.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

[Henry J]

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

[Xjmt]

"No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously."

Ain't that the truth. Some people seem predisposed to that quirk. I've even once met a person who would argue with Johnny Carson during his monologues.

[Henry J]

Simplicity is the natural result of profound thought.

Anonymous

*****

(Eschew obfuscation!)

(Gesundheit!)

[Henry J]

I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I -- instead of the tooth fairy -- was putting the money under her pillow.

But her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"

(A fairy tale? How transcen-dental is that?)

[lswot]

Phew close call.

[Henry J]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

(And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high!)

*****

[Henry J]

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Ogden Nash

(Okay, but who else?)

*****

[Henry J]

The church welcomed all denominations but preferred tens and twenties.

(What, no singles?)

*****

[Henry J]

In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

*****

[Henry J]

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Dummy."

*****

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

"Yes!"

"What was stolen?"

"Two televisions."

"Did you see the thieves?"

"Yes!!"

"Could you identify them?"

"Yes!!"

"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

*****

[Henry J]

Seen on "T" Shirts

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod).

Procrastinate Now!

(to be continued...)