Recycling

[Henry J]

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a house's fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

[Henry J]

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

[Henry J]

Dear Ma and Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

*****

[Henry J]

Airplane Jokes

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

==============

[Henry J]

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

[lswot]

Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus1

[Henry J]

Virginia?

[Henry J]

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

[Henry J]

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

[Henry J]

Eating Tips for the Holidays

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

==============

[Henry J]

1977 : Long hair
2013 : Longing for hair

1977: KEG
2013: EKG

1977 : Acid rock
2013 : Acid reflux

1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2013 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1977 : Seeds and stems
2013 : Roughage

1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2013 : Receiving a new hip joint

1977 : Rolling Stones
2013 : Kidney Stones

1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2013 : Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2013 : Passing the vision test

1977 : Whatever
2013 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this year were born in 1995.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The DVD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger typing font, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!

[Henry J]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*****

[Henry J]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*****

[Henry J]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

*****

[Henry J]

RE: Learning from Children (one of five)

Unfortunately the author of this is unknown but you kind of get a feeling about him/her, where and how s/he lives as you read the lessons life has taught to him/her.

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

*****