Recycling

[Henry J]

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or tell you to get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"

*****

[Do I sense an ulterior motive? ]

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

*****

(Why be quiet in church? Because people are sleeping! )

Henry

[lswot]

Hmmm.......

[Henry J]

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Anonymous

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Some trip

[Henry J]

Gordon is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "Shucks! Sorry I talked so long, y'all. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "They's a calendar a-hind ya."
*****

(Temporal mechanics?)

Henry

[lswot]

neither here or there.....

[Henry J]

But but, no matter where you go, there you are!

[Henry J]

*****

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,

"Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a carpenter?"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[lswot]

Never trust an Atom....they make up everything.

[Henry J]

It's elementary!

[Henry J]

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****

The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

FUNNY (and real) SIGNS
+++++++++++++++++
On a plumbing company's van:
"A flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection." [Well, shoot!]

Ohio road sign:
Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store:
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door:
PUSH,
if it doesn't open, PULL,
if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed." [Guess they get a LOT of business from the Huxtables, huh?]

*****

Henry