Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Dec 19, 2020 4:34 pm

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, ...... 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Dec 20, 2020 3:36 pm

Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.

Alex Hamilton

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Dec 21, 2020 4:02 pm

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, ......"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Dec 22, 2020 3:38 pm

We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ...
-- Bill Clinton, US President, USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
-- George Bush, US President

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

(Why do political ads spend so much time on how bad the other guy is? Can't they think of something good about the one they're trying to advertise? )

(Poly = prefix meaning "many", Tick = small blood sucking creature. So "politics" means... )

(A big problem with political jokes: too many of them get elected! )

(PS - watch for hanging chads! )

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Dec 23, 2020 3:35 pm

Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."

My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Dec 24, 2020 4:07 pm

We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
-- Arab News report

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Dec 25, 2020 2:58 pm

CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Dec 26, 2020 3:42 pm

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Dec 27, 2020 3:02 pm

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Dec 28, 2020 3:56 pm

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Dec 29, 2020 5:32 pm

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:57 pm

What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle

Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Dec 31, 2020 3:20 pm

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"?

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Jan 01, 2021 2:48 pm

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."

The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?"

The girl replied, "I don't know. I haven't eaten one yet."

*****

(I guess she's not from Melmac!

)

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Jan 02, 2021 3:53 pm

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

*****

The Show Place

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