Recycling

[lswot]

[Henry J]

******
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. . .and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

******

[lswot]

An Art Linkletter moment!

[Henry J]

HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity

------------------
(Posted by Jeff Needleman 05-22-01)

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

When I was a kid I told "them" I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me!

*****
When it comes to binary numbers there are 10 classes of people: those that understand them and those that don't.

*****
Life is Short; Stay Awake For It.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but 'I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

Old but still funny,

[lswot]

good one

[Henry J]

*****

This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response -- but read the letter before you get to the response.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Ryan ------
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. ------

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,

David ---------
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. -------,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen ----------

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Murphy's Laws Of Computers

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any program will expand to fill any available memory.

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

-----

To err is human, to really skrew it up get a komputer.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Upgrade: a method of getting the computer to reboot faster.

*****

That does not COMPUTE!

Henry

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

IN THOSE FEW HOT DAYS, THANK GOD FOR THESE BROTHERS!

Did you know????
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max --
on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!

A buddy sent me this, and I was sucked in, too!

[Henry J]

AC! AC! AC!