Recycling

[Henry J]

May the fourth be with you!

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (1 of 3)

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. [Is that a comment on Out of Africa? ]

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." [Fast food?]

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. [Regicide?]

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. [Why, was she off key?]

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." [Or as Henny Youngman used to say... ]

6. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. [Yeah, let's cut the mustard!]

7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. [Uh, but isn't that the point of having it? ]

8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" [Are you sure this is where he fell in? ]

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. [Why, are they off key? ]

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. [Be quiet in church, because... ]

11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. [But doesn't absence make the heart grow farther? Er, fonder? ]

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." [TTFN]

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (2 of 3)

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. [And have chicken soup on hand.]

14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. [Can I buy a vowel?]

15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. [Yup, there's no need to worry.]

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. [Aisle be back?]

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. [Eat beans; America needs the... ]

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. [Hope they're not off key!]

19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. [Now that one was off key.]

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. [Heck, what's the point of sinning if it's not fun?]

21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. [Oh, another place to let the church help?]

22. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. [But don't rub somebody the wrong way.]

23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. [Wouldn't that be a bit premature?]

24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. [I think I forgot something...]

*****

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (3 of 3. Amen?)

25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. [But don't toss your cookies!]

26. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and gracious hostility. [PEACE!]

27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. -- prayer and medication to follow. [Why, is the food gonna disagree with people?]

28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. [Oh, I see!]

29. This evening at 7 PM. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. [There's more of that off key stuff!]

30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. [But who's gonna clean it up?]

31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. [Waist not want not?]

32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. [Is that sort of like asking heavy people to use the double doors?]

33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. [The play's the thing?]

34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. [See #32]

35. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. [Be sure to study first.]

36. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." [Let's see, how did that saying go on Welcome Back Kotter ...]

37. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." [How's the air up there?]

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

The Lost Chapter in Genesis......

So God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

.

The rest is history.

---

(Hey, I didn't write the thing, I just copied it!

*****

Henry

[lswot]

*groan*

[Henry J]

Take two aspirin...

[Xjmt]

Take two aspirin...

And don't read anymore "Recycling" stuff.

[Henry J]

[Henry J]

1. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray,"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

2. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

3. A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

4. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

5. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

6. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

7. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

8. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

9. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

10. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-*****," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-*****", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus,! help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-*****!"

*****

[Henry J]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter. It just so happens she is in time for supper.
She is treated to the best fish and chips she has ever had.

After dinner she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is greeted by 2 brothers... brother Charles and Brother Michael.

"I am very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner. That was the best fish and chips I ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "I am the fish friar". She turns to the other brother and says, "And you must be...?"

Yes, Brother Michael replies, " I am the chip monk."

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

Chip monk?

ALVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!

[Henry J]

Moses was preparing to write down the history of creation that God had just revealed to him.

Aaron (his accountant) says to Moses, what ARE you doing?? Don't you know the price of papyrus? We can't afford the amount of that stuff we'd need if you include every little thing!

Moses to Aaron: But God told me all this, we have to share it, don't we?

Aaron: We can't afford the papyrus for 16 billion years of prehistory.

Moses: Well, what can we afford?

Aaron: One week.

Moses: A week???? (sigh) Well, if that's all we can manage, I guess I'll have to leave out a few things. Trilobites. Dinosaurs. Continental drift. (sigh).

*****

(Price of papyrus? He should thank God he didn't have to buy ink for a printer! )

Henry