RABBI, HIS SON, & THE CAR
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went".
*****
Henry
Recycling
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Henry J
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You'll know yours is a redneck church if:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
And of course ... if the pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks! Remember Leon Spinks? (boxer)
*****
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
And of course ... if the pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks! Remember Leon Spinks? (boxer)
*****
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Henry J
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A Texas Aggie was down on his luck and needed some cash, so he headed for the rich part of town to see if he could pick up some odd jobs.
Knocking on the door of a palatial mansion, a televangelist answered. After hearing the Aggie's pitch the televangelist said, "I was just getting ready to paint my porch. The materials are all ready to go in back. I'll pay you $25." Agreeing, the Aggie headed for the back.
The TV preacher then walked back inside, laughing to himself about how he'd conned an Aggie into painting the porch, at least a two day job, for $25.
A half hour later the Aggie rang the bell and said he was finished. When asked how he'd finished so quickly, he replied that it wasn't that big of a job... and "by the way, that ain't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"
*****
Henry
Knocking on the door of a palatial mansion, a televangelist answered. After hearing the Aggie's pitch the televangelist said, "I was just getting ready to paint my porch. The materials are all ready to go in back. I'll pay you $25." Agreeing, the Aggie headed for the back.
The TV preacher then walked back inside, laughing to himself about how he'd conned an Aggie into painting the porch, at least a two day job, for $25.
A half hour later the Aggie rang the bell and said he was finished. When asked how he'd finished so quickly, he replied that it wasn't that big of a job... and "by the way, that ain't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"
*****
Henry
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Henry J
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A handyman died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. After looking through the book the angel said, "sorry, your name's not here. The one-way downward staircase is right over there."
Now in hell the handyman commented how hot it was to the devil. "Of course it's hot! This is hell" he replied. The handyman went on to tell how good he was with tools. He could put in an ice machine, swimming pool, and air conditioner. "Go for it!" the devil gleefully said.
At the top of the stairs the angel heard the screaming stop, and called the devil on the phone. The devil told him how they were all sitting around the pool, sipping umbrella drinks, enjoying hell's new pleasures. The angel said, "No, you're all supposed to be in torment. Rip all that stuff out and send the handyman back up here."
"Nope" the devil replied. "We have plans. Maybe a home theater." "Look" said the angel, "if you don't send the handyman back, I'll sue."
The devil answered, "Now where will YOU ever find a lawyer?"
*****
Henry
Now in hell the handyman commented how hot it was to the devil. "Of course it's hot! This is hell" he replied. The handyman went on to tell how good he was with tools. He could put in an ice machine, swimming pool, and air conditioner. "Go for it!" the devil gleefully said.
At the top of the stairs the angel heard the screaming stop, and called the devil on the phone. The devil told him how they were all sitting around the pool, sipping umbrella drinks, enjoying hell's new pleasures. The angel said, "No, you're all supposed to be in torment. Rip all that stuff out and send the handyman back up here."
"Nope" the devil replied. "We have plans. Maybe a home theater." "Look" said the angel, "if you don't send the handyman back, I'll sue."
The devil answered, "Now where will YOU ever find a lawyer?"
*****
Henry
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Henry J
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A millionaire was on his death bed... and was determined to take his money with him. He called his three closes friends to his side, a preacher, a doctor, and a lawyer, and said these words.
"Gentlemen, I want to take it with me. I'd planned to fill my coffin with $100 bills, but I can't because my family is a bunch of crooks. During the viewing they'd help themselves to the money, and I know the coffin would hold nothing except my body by burial time.
Instead I've put the cash into these three briefcases. I'm giving one to each of you. Hold onto them until just before they're ready to lower me in and shovel in the dirt. Pop the lid on the casket, put the briefcases in, and watch them finish the job. You're my three closest friends. I'm depending on you."
The three men told him he could count on them and took the briefcases. After the millionaire died they faithfully carried out his request, but as they walked away from the fresh grave the minister began to weep.
He confessed how he'd been overcome by temptation, and had put an empty briefcase into the coffin. The doctor told him not to be so hard on himself. He'd done the same thing. The lawyer began to berate them, reminding them how their friend had trusted them. How could they have done such a thing?
"You mean you didn't give into the temptation" they said?
"Oh I put in an empty briefcase too" said the lawyer. "But I included a check for the entire amount!"
*****
Henry
"Gentlemen, I want to take it with me. I'd planned to fill my coffin with $100 bills, but I can't because my family is a bunch of crooks. During the viewing they'd help themselves to the money, and I know the coffin would hold nothing except my body by burial time.
Instead I've put the cash into these three briefcases. I'm giving one to each of you. Hold onto them until just before they're ready to lower me in and shovel in the dirt. Pop the lid on the casket, put the briefcases in, and watch them finish the job. You're my three closest friends. I'm depending on you."
The three men told him he could count on them and took the briefcases. After the millionaire died they faithfully carried out his request, but as they walked away from the fresh grave the minister began to weep.
He confessed how he'd been overcome by temptation, and had put an empty briefcase into the coffin. The doctor told him not to be so hard on himself. He'd done the same thing. The lawyer began to berate them, reminding them how their friend had trusted them. How could they have done such a thing?
"You mean you didn't give into the temptation" they said?
"Oh I put in an empty briefcase too" said the lawyer. "But I included a check for the entire amount!"
*****
Henry
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Henry J
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THE 2nd TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
*****
(And above all, remember that immortal advice -- Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!)
*****
Henry
1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
*****
(And above all, remember that immortal advice -- Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!)
*****
Henry
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Henry J
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Two beggars are sitting on a bench in Mexico City.
One man is holding a large cross and the other is holding a Star of David. Both are holding big hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and, almost for spite, drop large amounts of money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David still empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man holding the Star of David and says, "Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says "Moishe, can you imagine? This guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"
*****
( Oy vey! )
One man is holding a large cross and the other is holding a Star of David. Both are holding big hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and, almost for spite, drop large amounts of money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David still empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man holding the Star of David and says, "Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says "Moishe, can you imagine? This guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"
*****
( Oy vey! )
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Henry J
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Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down. [Hair today, gone tomorrow? ]
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. [And Mel Brooks took care of the other five! ]
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
*****
(But at least that Nun guy didn't make a Habit of it! )
Henry
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down. [Hair today, gone tomorrow? ]
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. [And Mel Brooks took care of the other five! ]
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
*****
(But at least that Nun guy didn't make a Habit of it! )
Henry
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Henry J
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A priest and rabbi, who lived across from each other, decided to by a car together to help cut their transportation costs around town. They went out to look the car over when it was delivered. The priest came out with some holy water and blessed the car. The rabbi thought a minute, went back into his house, returned with a hacksaw and cut two inches off the tail pipe.
*****
Mazel tov?
*****
Mazel tov?
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Henry J
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ADAM came home in the wee hours of the morning, and EVE was suspicious. "Is there someone else?" she demanded.
"Of course not, darling." Adam reasoned with her. "In all of creation, there's no other woman like you."
Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. But after he fell asleep, she very carefully counted his ribs.
*****
(Hope she's careful - what if he doesn't have any spares? )
Henry
"Of course not, darling." Adam reasoned with her. "In all of creation, there's no other woman like you."
Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. But after he fell asleep, she very carefully counted his ribs.
*****
(Hope she's careful - what if he doesn't have any spares? )
Henry
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Henry J
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Idiots in service
> > >
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
> > >
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
> > >
Henry
> > >
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
> > >
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
> > >
Henry
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Henry J
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*****
Hey,
I can relate.
I am a graduate assistant that teaches freshmen chemistry, biology, and calculus -depending on what professor I get.
I wish I could post some answers, but it is against my contract.
I try to be positive, but sometimes their lack of responsibility just kills me.
Get this. Three girls organized a cheating scam. The assignment was to write out a lab report. These three girls copied the same report from a student who took the class three semesters ago. Like the questions are going to be the same. The GA who taught the class was even different. Anyway, they turned in the reports together -one on top of the other!
Do I come across as a stupid person? I mean really -do I seem so flaky that I wouldn't be able to tell if three lab reports were written exactly the same with same wrong problems and the same wrong answers answers. I mean I was offended! At least try to challenge me.
Oh and that is not the best part. They went to the head professor to complain about me when I gave them all Os. Like he gives a rat's patootie about their personal problems. He doesn't even care about me -what makes them think he cares about what the students think. He told them to get the hell out of his office. Yeah, those calculus profs are known for their warmth! He only has two things to say to me: grade these and teach this. That's it!
Perplexed,
*****
Henry
Hey,
I can relate.
I am a graduate assistant that teaches freshmen chemistry, biology, and calculus -depending on what professor I get.
I wish I could post some answers, but it is against my contract.
I try to be positive, but sometimes their lack of responsibility just kills me.
Get this. Three girls organized a cheating scam. The assignment was to write out a lab report. These three girls copied the same report from a student who took the class three semesters ago. Like the questions are going to be the same. The GA who taught the class was even different. Anyway, they turned in the reports together -one on top of the other!
Do I come across as a stupid person? I mean really -do I seem so flaky that I wouldn't be able to tell if three lab reports were written exactly the same with same wrong problems and the same wrong answers answers. I mean I was offended! At least try to challenge me.
Oh and that is not the best part. They went to the head professor to complain about me when I gave them all Os. Like he gives a rat's patootie about their personal problems. He doesn't even care about me -what makes them think he cares about what the students think. He told them to get the hell out of his office. Yeah, those calculus profs are known for their warmth! He only has two things to say to me: grade these and teach this. That's it!
Perplexed,
*****
Henry
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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling
He only has two things to say to me: grade these and teach this. 
What's a these and what's a this?
What's a these and what's a this?