Recycling

[Henry J]

Good question!

Class dismissed for the day.

[Henry J]

*****

Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would livelong and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

*****

(The devil you say!!! )

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, how's about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

RHIP

[Henry J]

RHIP?

Well that's a rank comment!

[Henry J]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

oh......that was a good one!!

[Henry J]

"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

A man was walking along the beach in California one day, thinking to himself and doing his best to sort out his life and pray for happiness. He stopped and looked up to the sky, looking for a sign of his faith, and said, "Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one wish."

Suddenly there was a crack of lightning in the sky and in a booming voice echoed from above, saying, "Man, you have done your best to be faithful, though you have not always succeeded. I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish."

The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The voice boomed, "Think of what this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on... such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me."

The man sat down on the sand and thought about it. Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said I was insensitive and ignorant..."

"Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then another... and another.

?

?

?

Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

A minister had three sons, and one had knocked over the outhouse. This made the minister furious. He spent hours in there, praying, writing sermons, kind of a second study ... and now it was on its side.

He asked each boy whether he'd knocked over the outhouse, and each denied it.

So he said, "Boys, when George Washington was a little boy he took his little red hatchet and chopped down his father's cherry tree. When asked about it he said, 'I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little red hatchet.' Because he told the truth, he wasn't punished. Now, which of you knocked over my outhouse?"

The youngest boy bowed his head and said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I knocked over your outhouse." Hearing this the minister grounded him for months, with lots of chores.

Tearfully the boy said "Daddy, what about George Washington?" The minister said, "Boy, George's daddy wasn't sitting in that tree when George chopped it down!"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Timber........

[Henry J]

Timber -> lumber