A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!
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Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
A Minister had gotten about two-thirds through his sermon when he found an unexpected shortage of manuscript. After fumbling it a moment he said, "My good friends, I find the last pages of my discourse have gone. I think my favorite dog must have gotten some of them yesterday and eaten them. You must excuse me from the remainder of the discourse."
After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."
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After Service, a meek little woman from another parish introduced herself and said, "I was much interested in that dog of yours and its performance yesterday, and might I ask a question?" "Certainly, madam." "I want to know if it has any puppies, for I should like to take one home to my minister."
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Bar & Drinking Jokes
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
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One Liners Jokes
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
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Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!
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One Liners Jokes
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?"
Murder, Suicide?
Murder, Suicide?
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Breakfast Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
(Especially if ya don't want egg on yer face!
)
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
(Especially if ya don't want egg on yer face!
)-----------------------------------------
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
There was a young man who volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
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Oops! And also, Sayounara?
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
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Oops! And also, Sayounara?
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
rut ro
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Xjmt
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:13 am
- Location:Ohio
Re: Recycling
The braggart deserves it!!! 
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
A young, freshly-minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
One solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
(As procedures go, that one sounds more abnormal than normal.)
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At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits, the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied," An airplane at eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."
(Well, chute!)
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An Army base staff that was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men: "In place of a rifle, you go 'Bang, bang'. In place of a knife you go, 'Stab, stab'.
In place of a hand grenade you go, 'Lob, lob.'"
The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went, "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went "Stab, stab" but nothing happened. He ran back and went "Lob, lob,"but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, "You are not playing fair. I went, 'Bang, bang,' and 'Stab, stab,' and 'Lob, lob,' and you haven't fallen dead yet!"
The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."
(Zap! Zap! That was a phaser to your tank!)
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One solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
(As procedures go, that one sounds more abnormal than normal.)
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At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits, the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied," An airplane at eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."
(Well, chute!)
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An Army base staff that was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men: "In place of a rifle, you go 'Bang, bang'. In place of a knife you go, 'Stab, stab'.
In place of a hand grenade you go, 'Lob, lob.'"
The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went, "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went "Stab, stab" but nothing happened. He ran back and went "Lob, lob,"but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, "You are not playing fair. I went, 'Bang, bang,' and 'Stab, stab,' and 'Lob, lob,' and you haven't fallen dead yet!"
The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble. I'm a tank."
(Zap! Zap! That was a phaser to your tank!)
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Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
: Kid Jokes
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
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A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
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Xjmt
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- Location:Ohio
Re: Recycling
Based on a very raunchy old joke! -
Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Kid Jokes
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
: Entertainment Jokes
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Good Choice
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says "You can have ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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