Recycling

[Henry J]

Bar & Drinking Jokes

A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?"

He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"

(It's not how long it takes or what's on the other side, it's the climb!)

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Who's in Charge:

There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'

(I guess Charles wasn't in charge after all? )

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tommy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "You don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tommy corrected. "It means the car won't start."

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

(A case like that just might bug the doctor! It might even be detrimental to his patients! )

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Beans

Husband: Beans again!

Wife: I don't understand it. You liked beans on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and now all of a sudden you don't like beans.

(Like it said an old bumper snicker: Eat beans - America needs the gas! )

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Married Life

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

I'm Taken

A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.

One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"

He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."

"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."

"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."

"Oh really!" she said with a renewed interest.

"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Hair today?

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

(To hair is human? )

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Ashamed

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

(Ah, the theory of relativity. )

-----------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Where Were You?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice shout at him. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a few seconds later a big brick fell down in front of him. The man was shocked that he wasn't hit by the brick.

The man went on and after a while he went to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man asked the voice, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah? And where the heck were you when I got married?"

-----------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Sleeping with Mommy

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

-----------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Annoying

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.

Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom.

Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.

"My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

-------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Home / Relationships / Marriage

Bum Sets Example:

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

(What are the odds? )

-------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Home Repairs

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway. "Lord," he pleaded, "please let her be having an affair."

-------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

The Wrong Man

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other woman responded, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-------------------------------------------------------