Recycling

[Henry J]

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

(Oh say can you see?)

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

A father often read Bible stories to his young children.

One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

(Let us fly, said the flee. Let us flee, said the fly. And they flew... south? )

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[Henry J]

Nosy

My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

(Wonder if a bit of rhinoplasty would help?)

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[Xjmt]

Nosy

My wife thinks that I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

(Wonder if a bit of rhinoplasty would help?)

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Why oh why would your Rino want that?

[Henry J]

An Offer He Almost Couldn't Refuse

As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am," said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, he began to negotiate. "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

(Could what he said be called the slip of the desert? )

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[Henry J]

: One Liners Jokes

Q: Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?

A: Because if they flew by the bay they would be bay gulls!

(Just so long as they don't steal food from the tourists... )

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[Xjmt]

I've been told there's no such thing as a "sea gull". It is said they are only "gulls".

[Henry J]

Yeah, gulls do travel, don't they. (Just ask anybody near that lake in Utah!)

[Henry J]

Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?

Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.

[Henry J]

Missing Husband

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is," she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

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[Henry J]

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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[Henry J]

King of Tarts

Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'

When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'

(Go metric!)

[Xjmt]

Just as I always suspected.....people good at math are also cheats and thieves!!

[Henry J]

Is that statistically speaking?