Recycling

[Xjmt]

Is that statistically speaking?

See what I mean?!?!

[Henry J]

Labor day joke:

Sign on door of maternity room in hospital:

"Push! Push! Push!"

[Henry J]

: Family Jokes

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

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[Henry J]

Oh, to be Ten Again.

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

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[Xjmt]

(but she shoulda' said something before then)

[Henry J]

Oh, she didn't mean Ten like in that Bo Derek movie?

[Henry J]

Did you hear about the family who was evicted from their tree house? The bank says they didn't pay their mortgage, but the family says it's a mix-up because they recently switched branches.

(Well now, that would leave them out on a limb, wouldn't it?)

(And, it could leave their dog barking up the wrong tree. )

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[Henry J]

Fish songs
Q: What do fish sing to each other?

A: Salmon-chanted Evening.

(I guess that's if they get tired of just scales. And if they don't remember the theme song from Voyage to the Bottom of the Seahorse, or the one from 20,000 Leeks Under the Sea. And of course this is just the ones that are able to carry a tuna. )

[Henry J]

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

(Now, just as long as there really is a sucker born every minute... )

[Henry J]

Subject: GOD VS DEVIL

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[Henry J]

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

(I guess they thought he was photogenic?)

[Xjmt]

Oh, she didn't mean Ten like in that Bo Derek movie?

[lswot]

Oh, she didn't mean Ten like in that Bo Derek movie?

I know what you mean.......

[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

(Want fries with that? Something to drink? Apple turnover? )

[Xjmt]

Oh, she didn't mean Ten like in that Bo Derek movie?

I know what you mean.......