Recycling

[Henry J]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

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: Marriage Jokes

A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

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[Henry J]

(From Reader's Digest)

This classified ad in The Romeo (Michigan) Observer screams, "Don't ask, don't tell":
"Wedding gown, size 18, extra-long train, fingertip veil, new $1,600; $400/OBO. Worn once because I was an idiot."

Senior citizens can leave the car at home in Massillon, Ohio. The local paper, "The Independent", ran this classified under "Elderly care": "Bill's Hauling--U Call I Haul."

Not everyone is suited for the following items advertised in "The Baytown (Texas) Sun: "Three upholstered chairs, coffee table, crystal, other stuff including a computer desk suitable for a large lady with thick legs and large drawers."

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[Henry J]

CAT HAIKU

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

(SCAT!)

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[Henry J]

(From Reader's Digest)

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." (Marilyn Monroe)

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." (Jeff Valdez)

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." (Bette Middler)

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" (Phyllis Diller)

"I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra)

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." (Mae West)

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[Henry J]

More One Liners:

"If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come and sit by me." (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)

"I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." (Scott Wood)

"Instant gratification takes too long" (Carrie Fisher)

"If mini-marts are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them?"

"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." (Fran Lebowitz)

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." (Zenna Schaffer)

[Henry J]

More One Liners:

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy." (Spike Milligan)

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." (Lily Tomlin)

"I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me." (Ronnie Shakes)

"Deep down, I'm pretty superficial." (Ava Gardner)

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." (Sam Levenson)

"Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog)

[Henry J]

More One Liners:

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either." (Dick Cavett)

"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" (George Carlin)

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" (Vince Lombardi)

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" (Robin Williams)

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass." (Martin Mull)

"I drink to make other people interesting." (George Jean Nathan)

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[Henry J]

News headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

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[Xjmt]

[lswot]

Ditto

[Henry J]

Psychics predict World Didn't end yesterday.

Sun or Rain expected today, Dark tonight.

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: Question / Answer Jokes

Q. What word does heavenly angels use most often to greet each other?

A. Halo!

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[Xjmt]

Whoops!

[Henry J]

Same old, same old.....

A first-grade teacher supposedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest.......

It's always darkest before..... daylight-savings time.

Don't bite the hand that....... looks dirty

You can't teach an old dog new..... math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.... stink in the morning

A penny saved is.... not much

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not.... grounded

When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way.

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[Henry J]

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we have two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50." (Jay Leno)

"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish." (Jerry Seinfeld)

"When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." (Gracie Allen)

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[Henry J]

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." (Rodney Dangerfield)

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." (Robert Wilensky)

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." (Henny Youngman)

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." (Tim Allen)

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