Recycling

[Henry J]

Men Vs. Women Jokes

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

(Something about that doesn't sound quite right. Maybe it follows from the last item in the previous post?)

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[Henry J]

Overheard in a garage:

First Woman: "I expect they'll be raising gas prices again."
Second Woman: "Won't affect me. I always put in $20 worth."

(Uh - do the math?)

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[Henry J]

The trouble with political jokes: too many of them get elected.

The trouble with elections: that method of selecting leaders guarantees that you'll have somebody dumb enough to actively want the job.

Breakdown of the word "politics": "poly" is prefix that means "many", and ticks are small blood sucking creatures. Put them together...

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then "congress" is the opposite of...

BTW, where did all the evening daylight go? I thought the point of DST was to save some of it!

[Henry J]

Genie Jokes

There were 3 friends stranded in an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. The first man said, "I wish I as with my family" then poof he was with his family. The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone. The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?" The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

(With Gilligan, the Skipper too, the professor, Mary Ann, and the rest? )

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[Henry J]

Copied from an earlier incarnation of this BB:

My computer is in my dining area, right at the door that goes to the galley kitchen. I don't have a 'desk chair' that I keep there...so I just take one of the dining table chairs and use that.

Sometimes, if I'm just checking quick.. I won't bother with the chair and I'll just kneel down and tap the keyboard, scan quick.. and get up.

Well, I'm kneeling and typing.. and son comes downstairs and walks by saying..

"ahhhh, kneel before the computer god."

I cracked up big time!!!! and got my chair.

(That does not compute!)

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[Henry J]

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

[Henry J]

Copied from an earlier BB forum:

I don't know who wrote this, but it's sure cute!
>> >
>> > The computer swallowed grandma.
>> > Yes, honestly it's true.
>> > She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
>> > And disappeared from view.
>> >
>> > It devoured her completely,
>> > The thought just makes me squirm.
>> > She must have caught a virus
>> > Or been eaten by a worm.
>> >
>> > I've searched through the recycle bin
>> > And files of every kind;
>> > I've even used the Internet,
>> > But nothing did I find.
>> >
>> > In desperation, I asked Jeeves
>> > My searches to refine.
>> > The reply from him was negative,
>> > Not a thing was found 'online.'
>> >
>> > So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
>> > My Grandma you should see,
>> > Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
>> > And send her back to me!
>> >
>> > -- Author Unknown

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[Henry J]

Life after death:

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday

to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

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Prayers:

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, Sir," he replied. "We don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!"

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[Henry J]

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

(Does that last have something to do with nature's feelings about vacuums?)

[Henry J]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
(I guess it may be all the close shaves that guy has in the jungle?)

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
(One might also ask the same question as for the second one, since that guy can't shave?)

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you dummy?"
(Stupid is as stupid does. And that's all I have to say about that.)

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
(For that question I'll just have to sleep on it.)

[Henry J]

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
(Murphy's Law?)

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
(It seemed the thing to do when we thawed about it?)

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Special Theory of Relativity?)

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
(Maybe the dye stays in the water, and the bubbles are made of something like a polymer? But that's a guess.)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
(If some fraction of people suffer from insanity or whatever, do the rest enjoy it?)

[Henry J]

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
(Maybe somebody else had leftovers since the previous TV commercial?)

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
(Murphy's Law?)

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
(Maybe it was the same person who picked "abbreviation" to mean a shortened word?)

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
(Maybe they're zombies?)

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
(Eschew obfuscation.)

[Henry J]

Guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

Cop comes up to the window and says "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "Well, yeah, probably because I was speeding. But I have a good reason, see... I've got these two dead hookers in the trunk, and I've got to go get rid of them."

The cop is stunned. "What?"

"Yeah, shot'em with the sawed-off shotgun I have here under the dash. Wasn't going to, but I guess I just did too much of that coke I have under the backseat and lost control!"

At this time, the cop goes back to his squad car and calls for backup. 20 minutes later 4 cops are there.
"Sir, can you open your trunk?"
"Absolutely!" Guy opens his trunk and there's a spare tire and some newspapers.

"Uhh sir can we look in your car?" So he opens the doors and they see nothing in the glove compartment, nothing under any of the seats.

Cop says "I don't understand, the officer that pulled you over said you told him you had hookers and guns and drugs in your car."

Guy says "Yeah? I bet that lying SOB said I was speeding too!"

(Now is that a SOB story, or is that a SOB story? )

[Henry J]

This absent minded married couple were sound asleep and around 2am a loud knock came on their door.

The woman woke up startled, sat up in bed and hollered... Oh My God... that's my husband."
Her husband jumped out the window

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[Henry J]

A Cat In Heaven

One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.

The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."

The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.

A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"

Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shinning Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.

The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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