Recycling

[Henry J]

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish. [Buy a car from them, you'll never go anywhere else?]

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts." [Maybe if Hooters has branches in that area they could sell to them?]

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse. [So does size matter after all?]

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read. [Good thing they weren't selling girl scout cookies]

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[Henry J]

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water." [Call the plumber?]

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth." [At least they weren't burning that wax tadpole at both ends!]

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual. [Guess that's nothing to sneeze at]

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[Henry J]

Bumper stickers

-WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

-Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

-Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

-I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will... I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill it.

-Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

-Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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[Henry J]

Bumper stickers

Be nice to your kids... They will pick out your nursing home.

-Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

-Eschew obfuscation.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

-Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

-Editing is a rewording activity.

-Make yourself at home ..... clean my kitchen

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

Too many freaks not enough circuses

-Ambivalent? Well yes and no....

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[Henry J]

Bumper stickers

-Does your train of thought have a caboose?

-Is it time for your medication or mine?

-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

-How do I set the laser printer to stun?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

-I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

-Hang up and drive.

-If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

-Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

"Eat beans, America needs the gas!"

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"There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker." -- Charles M. Schultz

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[Henry J]

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"
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An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing

her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
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[lswot]

Very good. As are they all.......

[Henry J]

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es". (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one??? Although, it could lead to a pregnant pause.)
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" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently."It means carrying a child."
(Well, there's carrying, and then there's... carrying. )
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[Henry J]

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close...."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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[Henry J]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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[Henry J]

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we do for Christmas?!"

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(Might work once, well sort of, but try to keep in mind that one of those kids may be the one to choose your nursing home! )

[Henry J]

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota.

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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[lswot]

Yipes....

[Henry J]

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES (1 of 2)

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

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[lswot]

Age us just mind over matter and if you don't mind it doesn't matter.