Recycling

[Henry J]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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[Henry J]

CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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[Henry J]

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor... The following; were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a WARNING? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . . . You're right, we don't. . . . Now sign here."

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[Henry J]

Super Trouper

In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m., a Wyoming state trooper responded to a call of a car off the shoulder on the outside of the town of Casper.

The trooper located the car, with the engine still running, stuck in the deep snow along side the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat beside him.

The trooper tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 mph but it was still stuck in the snow.

The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the trooper yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the driver obeyed, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the trooper's special training and just how he could possibly run 50 mph. The man was arrested, still believing that a trooper had outrun his car.

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[Henry J]

_Quotes_Of_The_Day_

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

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[Henry J]

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

Or, if ya like sausage, expect the wurst, instead.

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[lswot]

some of these old "saws" should be written in invisible ink.

Oh wait....did I forget to use my invisible ink?

[Henry J]

Nope; I didn't hear a thing.

[Henry J]

A little boy quietly watched his preacher father preparing his Sunday sermon. He became curious about his dad's work, and said, "Dad, how do you know what to write for a sermon?" His father thoughtfully answered, "Son, God tells me what to write." The son pondered this, and asked, "If God is telling you, why do you cross out so much of it?"

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[Henry J]

We hired a new Complaint Officer
Her name is Helen Wayte

If you have a complaint, go to Helen Wayte

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[lswot]

<chuckle>

[Henry J]

Wayte for it...

[lswot]

Yes, Henry, I figured it out....hence the chuckle.

[Henry J]

To err is human. But to really mess up you need a computer.

Computers make ver fast, very accurate mistakes.

2+2=5 for very large values of 2.

Files will grow so as to fill any available disk or memory space.

Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

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[Henry J]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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