Recycling

This is for General chit chat and such.
If it doesn't fit in any of the other forums, it goes here. Knock yerself out.

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:21 pm

Bum walks up to a guy at a gas station and says "Can you spare a quarter?"

Guy says "Sorry, mac, I don't have anything smaller than a $50 on me."

Bum says "That's alright, I can make change."

(But of course - after all, change is inevitable. Well, except from vending machines. )

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:49 pm

When Insults Had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." --George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." --Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Wed Nov 15, 2017 7:34 pm

:rotfl:

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:45 am

Xjmt wrote: :rotfl:
I agree..... :rotfl:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:23 pm

Educational Jokes

A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."

To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:24 pm

Bar & Drinking Jokes

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."

"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"

The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.

"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to."

"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.

As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.

The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"

The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

===========================

(Nee-deep! Nee-deep!)

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:57 pm

ribit :lol:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Nov 18, 2017 3:36 pm

Farmer Jokes

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:45 pm

Why can't photons be Catholic?

Because they don't have Mass.

======================

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sun Nov 19, 2017 6:14 pm

Henry J wrote:Why can't photons be Catholic?

Because they don't have Mass.

======================
(groan)
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Nov 19, 2017 7:27 pm

Hey, at least it wasn't "Neutrinos have Mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!". :smile:

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Nov 20, 2017 6:52 pm

GEORGE CARLINISMS (1 of 3)

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-a$$?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:35 pm

GEORGE CARLINISMS (2 of 3)

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:15 pm

GEORGE CARLINISMS (3 of 3)

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:14 pm

From someplace on internet:

-------------------------------

My favorite Turkey recipe

a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.

*****

(Warning: Do not try this at home! )

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