Recycling

[lswot]

good ones........

[Henry J]

What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?

"ODOR in the court!"

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(It's smellamentary!)

[Henry J]

How Fights Start

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.....

(Things like that could lead to a headache...)
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

(Well at least the guy didn't flounder...)
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

(The present wasn't upscale enough?)
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

(But at least they're socially secure...)
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table..
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'Wow!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

(What, she hasn't heard about happily ever after?)
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I took my wife to a restaurant.. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

(Where's the beef?)
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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

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Jurassic pork.

[lswot]

wow.....didn't guess that one

[Henry J]

'LIFE'THOUGHTS

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. [Stupid is as stupid does?]

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

The answer: 42.

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

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Jack came into the clubhouse one Sunday afternoon sporting a big black eye. "What happened to you?" asked one of his friends.

"Have you noticed that beautiful young woman who just joined the club?" Jack asked.

"Sure," said his friend. "Who hasn't?"

"I happened to be standing by the first tee when she came over and took the cover off her clubs."

"So?" said his friend.

"I told her it looked like she had a really nice set."

*********

(He complimented her set of clubs, so she clubbed him? What we had there was a failure of communication! Maybe they should try to iron something out, fore the sake of getting along, wood not you think? That would after all be the fair way. She could have at least yelled "Fore!" before hitting him. I guess it's not easy being on the green.)

[Henry J]

*****

Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive.

Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

*****

Or as somebody else once put it:

Life's a climb...

But the view is great.

*****

[Xjmt]

I like them!!

[Henry J]

A man walks into a bar...

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and says "Ouch!".

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What did the bar say? Maybe "Wooden you know it"?

[Henry J]

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A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but, it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
--Herm Albright

(Right - a person with positive attitude would have lost electrons, which probably shocks those around him!)

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Being a Woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.
--Joseph Conrad

(I resemble that remark!)

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If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

I thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was in error.

Books are the way the dead talk to the living.

Trying is the first step towards failure. [Do or do not. There is no try.]

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

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[Henry J]

*****
OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK [Or this might have been Boner's Ark; I'm not sure.]

12. "I gotta pee."

11. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

10. "Hey, there are more that two flies in here!"

9. "I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family..."

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants--QUICK!"

6. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

5. "Don't make me pull this Ark over and come back there!"

4. "No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie!"

1. "Are we there yet?"

*****

Re 12 - good thing they had two heads for this project, huh?
Re 11 - to go with the shovels and boots?
Re 10 - where'd I put that swatter?
Re 9 - I dunno - they seem to be kind of floundering.
Re 8 - with the umbrellas?
Re 7 - where'd we put those shovels? And boots?
Re 6 - where'd I put that swatter?
Re 5 - or do you wanna be assigned elephant duty?
Re 4 - or else we won't be able to bring home the bacon!
Re 3 - unless there's an elephant on hand to sit on it, anyway.
Re 2 - WOOF!
Re 1 - where'd I put that swatter?

*****

[Henry J]

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There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning.

(Good weather helps, too.)

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

(Yeah, cause he who doesn't learn from history will wind up repeating it - in summer school.)

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

(Ah, but spending it is another matter.)

Music . . . can name the unnameable and communicate the unknowable.

(But can it name Lord Voldemort?)

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

(Eschew obfuscation! Avoid superfluous redundancies!)

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

(And that would be a pane.)

The wise man avoids evil by anticipating it.

(And if you must try an evil, pick the one you haven't tried before!)

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