Recycling

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (2/3)

If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. (Tangled web, and all that.)

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". (Sorry about that, Chief!)

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. (Depends on the recipe.)

The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!" (But who? )

If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it. (Say what? Say what?)

I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
One bleem?

The shortest line is always the longest. (It's short cause other people have left it for other lines! )

*****

[lswot]

Good ones.

Where is everybody???

By the by......I wont be here for awhile....going to the Vegas con and then on a trip with some friends.

Maybe somebody will read your erudite sayings.

See you in a couple of weeks.

[Henry J]

Where is everybody???

Delta quadrant?

Gilligan's Island?

Land of the Lost?

Elba?

Jurassic Park?

Tahiti?

Jamaica?

Risa?

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (3/3)

Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.

If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.

Work is good but it's not important!

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

******

Henry

[Henry J]

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog sitting right behind the boy.

The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.

The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

*********

Henry

[Henry J]

This is a parody of the Myer's-Brigg personality test, which is based on Jungian personality typology. I didn't know what all the letter designations

If you really *must* know the descriptions, you can get them here, and even take a test to see what you are:

http://www.keirsey.com

MYER'S-BRIGG PRAYERS

ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 A.M. E.S.T.

ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, *wrong* though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

*********

[Henry J]

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just ONE car," said Herman, ..."It's hundreds of them!"

*****

[Henry J]

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

******

[Henry J]

When Sharon Johnson arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling Sharon that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," replied Mrs. Johnson defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure her that her daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
*******

Henry

[Henry J]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
********

Henry

[Henry J]

My wife and I often take car trips to the U.S. from our home in Canada. Since my wife's family lives in the U.S. we often find ourselves returning home with gifts we've received for birthdays or other holidays...

This past Christmas holiday season we were stopped at the border, where the guard asked me the value of any goods we had to claim.

I paused to think of the value of everything that we had with us.

"Never mind," the guard said, "what's the most expensive thing in your car?"

Without hesitation, I replied, "My wife."
*********

[Henry J]

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy".

*******

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

This guy walks into this bar, and he says to the Chinese bartender "Give me a Stoli".

And the Chinese bartender says, "Once upon a time, there were these three little pigs..."

*******

It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman is aiming at the boom box.

*******

[Henry J]

Subject: Since the beginning of time...

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him. HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

*******