Recycling

[Henry J]

Interesting Golf Quotes, part two:

** It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
- Hank Aaron

** The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
- Bruce Lansky

** If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up.
- Stephen Baker

** In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush.
- Gerry Cheevers

** The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

** Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.
- Don Herold

******

Henry

[lswot]

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It is wiser to find out than suppose.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.

A good walk spoiled. (Definition of golf.)

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

For in a Republic, who is “the country”? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant—merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.

There isn’t a parallel of latitude but thinks it would have been the equator if it had had its rights.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion—several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

My body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm...it is I who suffers, not the state.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good reason

Mark Twain (or at least what is attributed to him)

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.

But resistance is futile!

[lswot]

Thank you....thank you very much!

[lswot]

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.

But resistance is futile!

Yeah.....that, too.

[Henry J]

Interesting Golf Quotes, part three:

** I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing:
1. Keep your head down -
2. Follow through -
3. Be born with money
- P.J. O'Rourke

** The more I practice, the luckier I get.
- Gary Player

** I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing.
- Bruce Lansky

** What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
- Walter Hagen

** You make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands' work.
- Lee Trevino

** My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.
- Bruce Lansky

******

Henry

[Henry J]

Golf, part FORE!

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

******

Henry

[Henry J]

***

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.
So, the old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament..
Shortly, he received this reply, "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

***

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

-"How To Install Software
A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light... finders keepers, losers weepers...

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.

Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+---------+.....+----------+
|...YES...|.....|...SURE...|
+---------+.....+----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

------------------

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

*

(Serious groaner)

Brewster the Rooster
My Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the stew pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges awarded Brewster two prizes,

1) The No Bell Prize

and

2) The Pullet Surprise.

*

Henry