Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Feb 02, 2014 10:55 am

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

*****
Do you know how to make God laugh?

Tell Her your plans.

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Feb 03, 2014 7:14 pm

A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a martini kit.

When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to get it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"

*****

Henry

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Mon Feb 03, 2014 9:12 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Feb 04, 2014 7:58 pm

The owner of a golf course in Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Virginia Tech and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 5:29 pm

*****
This is indeed a typical case on information flow:

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

*****

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Feb 06, 2014 10:17 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Feb 06, 2014 6:10 pm

*****
Socrates' Triple-Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple-Filter Test."

"Triple-Filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right, enough," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was boinking his wife.

*****

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Feb 07, 2014 12:19 pm

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Feb 07, 2014 8:38 pm

Nothing unites the English like war. Nothing divides them like Picasso.

Hugh Mills

[And here I thought it would be tea time and scones that united them! And maybe fish and chips. ]

*****
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

[Yeah, a job like that can be a grind, huh? ]

*****
Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)

[Then of course the safety committee had to try to get to the bottom of things. ]

*****

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sat Feb 08, 2014 9:33 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Feb 08, 2014 1:59 pm

News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)

[Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a colorful trip... ]

*****

Nothing endures but change.

Heraclitus

[Except from vending machines!]

*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

["Beer bad" - Xander Harris said so! While working as a bartender!]

*****

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sat Feb 08, 2014 5:34 pm

Nope......beer is good

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Feb 09, 2014 11:36 am

*****

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

[Waste is a terrible thing to mind... ]

*****
Never mistake motion for action.

Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

[Yeah, objects in motion stay that way until some force counters it... ]

*****
When good old Chief Shortcake died, the whole tribe mourned and the lamentations of his faithful squaw were heard for miles around. Neighboring chiefs arrived in full pomp and ceremony and announced, "We come to make funeral for Chief Shortcake."
"Not on your life," announced his widow, ..."Squaw bury Shortcake!"

[Sorry about that, Chief. Missed it by that much! ]

*****

Henry

P.S. - Beer bad.

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:49 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:45 pm

*****
______Press Release from the Future______
Today, independent researchers and developers announced the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected, switched on, or recharged. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a floppy disc. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting though, like other display devices, it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.

*****

Henry

The Show Place

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