Recycling
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
To the Church Council from the Pastoral Search Committee:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
*****
To the Church Council from the Pastoral Search Committee:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
The story is told of an Air Force C-141 cargo jet preparing to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland. Time: Midnight. Temperature: 20 below.
As the crew performed the pre-flight checks they saw that the latrine had not been emptied since the last flight. So a young airman was called out of his bed to perform this duty. After dealing with a frozen pump, the job was finally complete at 2:30 in the morning.
The pilot said "Son, you've made us late for our takeoff. I'm going to see you're not only reprimanded, but punished."
He replied, "Sir, I have one stripe, and I've been at Thule for 11 months without taking leave. It's 20 below, and I was called out of my bed to pump sewage from an aircraft in the middle of the night. Now just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"
*****
Henry
As the crew performed the pre-flight checks they saw that the latrine had not been emptied since the last flight. So a young airman was called out of his bed to perform this duty. After dealing with a frozen pump, the job was finally complete at 2:30 in the morning.
The pilot said "Son, you've made us late for our takeoff. I'm going to see you're not only reprimanded, but punished."
He replied, "Sir, I have one stripe, and I've been at Thule for 11 months without taking leave. It's 20 below, and I was called out of my bed to pump sewage from an aircraft in the middle of the night. Now just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
An old hillbilly couple was sitting in their old shack one day when Ma hollered "Pa, the outhouse is busted. Git out there and fix it."
"Aw Ma, I was down there this morning, ain't nuthin' wrong with that outhouse."
"PAAA, git out there and fix it!"
So he traipsed out there, and hollered from the outhouse, "Ma, ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"Ya can't tell just by lookin' at it Pa, ya gotta stick yer hade in the hole."
"Ma, I ain't stickin' my hade in that hole."
"PAAAAAAA!!!!"
Sticking his head in the hole he hollers, "Ma, ever thangs as it should be down here. Ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"No Pa, ya gotta pull your hade out to really tell."
A few minutes of silence pass..."Ma, I can't get my hade out. My beard is hung up on the cracks in the seat."
"Yep, them cracks hurt don't they?"
*****
(Yeah, and when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!)
An old hillbilly couple was sitting in their old shack one day when Ma hollered "Pa, the outhouse is busted. Git out there and fix it."
"Aw Ma, I was down there this morning, ain't nuthin' wrong with that outhouse."
"PAAA, git out there and fix it!"
So he traipsed out there, and hollered from the outhouse, "Ma, ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"Ya can't tell just by lookin' at it Pa, ya gotta stick yer hade in the hole."
"Ma, I ain't stickin' my hade in that hole."
"PAAAAAAA!!!!"
Sticking his head in the hole he hollers, "Ma, ever thangs as it should be down here. Ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
"No Pa, ya gotta pull your hade out to really tell."
A few minutes of silence pass..."Ma, I can't get my hade out. My beard is hung up on the cracks in the seat."
"Yep, them cracks hurt don't they?"
*****
(Yeah, and when ya gotta go, ya gotta go!)
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
Ouch
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Well, yeah!
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
*Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear*
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain???
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window???
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)
*****
Henry
*Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear*
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain???
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window???
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms???
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days.)
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached on the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign: "Energy Efficient Vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust!"
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Henry
*****
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A car full of people was going down the road and soon it went into a tunnel. Everybody started screaming. Later they all went to a shrink to try to figure out why they all were afraid when they went into the tunnel. The Psych said it was an easy case. They were all suffering from car full tunnel syndrome.
[But at least it's Friday! ]
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
[As long as it's not a tunnel! Or is there a hole in that theory? ]
*****
Henry
[But at least it's Friday! ]
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
[As long as it's not a tunnel! Or is there a hole in that theory? ]
*****
Henry
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
*groan* Yep.....it must be Friday.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
(I resemble some of those remarks! )
*******
Henry
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
(I resemble some of those remarks! )
*******
Henry
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
It was a year of the Olympics...... can't recall the year exactly. The men's group decided it was time to play a prank on our prank playing pastor. A bunch of us knew what was going to happen. These particular men sat in the balcony this Sunday morning. Near to the end of the sermon, Pastor seem to be acting strangely.... as in trying to hide fits of laughter. Unbeknowst to most of the congregation... the men had stood in the balcony with large cards...... rating the sermon from 1-10 like they do in the Olympics!
*****
My dad was a church planter, so the atmosphere in those early days with just a few people was... casual.
From time to time he'd have a certain little girl take the offering. She would hold the plate in people's faces until they dropped something in. There were no exceptions. Everyone gave. Well, her parents made her stop that practice.
Then one Sunday she brought the plate to the front, and my dad jokingly asked, "did we get enough?" She shook her head and said, "my daddy didn't put anything in!"
*****
Henry
It was a year of the Olympics...... can't recall the year exactly. The men's group decided it was time to play a prank on our prank playing pastor. A bunch of us knew what was going to happen. These particular men sat in the balcony this Sunday morning. Near to the end of the sermon, Pastor seem to be acting strangely.... as in trying to hide fits of laughter. Unbeknowst to most of the congregation... the men had stood in the balcony with large cards...... rating the sermon from 1-10 like they do in the Olympics!
*****
My dad was a church planter, so the atmosphere in those early days with just a few people was... casual.
From time to time he'd have a certain little girl take the offering. She would hold the plate in people's faces until they dropped something in. There were no exceptions. Everyone gave. Well, her parents made her stop that practice.
Then one Sunday she brought the plate to the front, and my dad jokingly asked, "did we get enough?" She shook her head and said, "my daddy didn't put anything in!"
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
*****
*****