Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Jun 10, 2014 4:58 pm

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 11:58 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:30 pm

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Wed Jun 11, 2014 7:30 pm

My sentiments exactly!

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Jun 12, 2014 4:47 pm

A man and a women stole a Krispy Creme donut truck from a store parking lot. As they drove merrily upon their way, they did not realize that the back doors of the truck were open. They left a 15 mile trail of donuts and were consequently pulled over and arrested.

(Yep, I reckon their plan had a few holes in it... )

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Jun 13, 2014 6:02 pm

How to call the Police... A True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi Star:

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that no one was available at this time, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one became available..

George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and then phoned the Police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, 2 Armed Response units, a Helicopter and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

The police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

***********

Henry

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Sat Jun 14, 2014 8:23 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Jun 14, 2014 9:42 am

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

(Like in that movie Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! ? )

***

The Sunday School teacher asked Sally, "Do you say prayers before eating?"
"No," she replied, "My mom is a good cook."

***

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Jun 15, 2014 11:08 am

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of £25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

*****

Henry

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Jun 16, 2014 6:14 pm

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.

Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

(So, about that bad news, should we cry FOWL? )

*****

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:22 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:40 pm

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Jun 18, 2014 6:24 pm

(I can't vouch for the accuracy of this, but here it is anyway.

)

It seems that once upon a time, manure was shipped on boats from one point to another. The substance was allowed to dry to reduce weight. Then it was loaded in bales on the boat carrying it. Alas, however, at times water would splash into the bales and they would start to ferment down in the hold. This produces methane gas. If some hapless sailor were to approach these bales with a lit torch, an explosion would result and the ship would be lost.

So they started to label the bales with the note "Ship High in Transit." Meaning to load the bales high enough on the ship so that the water would not get to it and if it did, the methane gas would escape harmlessly into the air.

Eventually just the initials were used and it became an acronym. Hence the origin of the present day English word.

(But is that the poop the whole poop and nothing but the poop? )

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 9:49 am

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 10:06 am

Well......Certain Realities Are Possible

The Show Place

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