Recycling

[Xjmt]

Speaking for myself I've been having problems signing on anywhere. Just another ATT U-Verse upgrade I guess.

[lswot]

Well I'm happy you seem to be 'here' for the time being. Good luck with the rest of the stuff.

[Henry J]

All general statements are false; think about it.

All generalizations are false, including this one. [Oh, Norman!]

All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

All great discoveries are made by mistake. [Oops!]

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play, will make you a manager. [Peter principle?]

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening. [What?]

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[lswot]

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy."

There's a Country Song......"They say money can't buy everything......maybe so, but it can buy me a boat and a truck to pull it...."

[Henry J]

A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)

A real person has two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside. [So it's dimensionally transcendental?]

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. [Yep!]

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. [You can say that again!]

After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.

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[Henry J]

Jokes of the day

People

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22 year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

---------------------------

[lswot]

Word for the day:

paronomasia

.....

[Henry J]

Just because you have paronomasia doesn't mean they aren't out to get ya!

[lswot]

wrong.......

[Henry J]

Absotively!

[Henry J]

Questions that really need answers...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" [I dunno; a plan like that might produce an udder catastrophe!]

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." [I guess there's a yolk in there somewhere]

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? [Not to mention girl scout cookies]

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? [Only if they're men of letters]

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? [No, but it gives your mood a lift]

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? [Maybe it's not dry yet?]

--------------------

[lswot]

clever.....

[Henry J]

I'm trying!

[Henry J]

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him.

He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

( Wonder if he just wanted to a peel his case? )

[lswot]

<groan>