Recycling
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Xjmt
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Old but still funny!
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
The Naked Man & His Bucket
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.
(Time to kick the bucket?)
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The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.
(Time to kick the bucket?)
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
... 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling
lswot wrote:...
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Men Vs. Women Jokes
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
,,, 
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Carnation Milk
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all". She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch!
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When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all". She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch!
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
. that was good. they should have used it....well, maybe not.....but it sure gets the point across.
Worth more than a measly thousand bucks.....I would say.
that was good. they should have used it....well, maybe not.....but it sure gets the point across.Worth more than a measly thousand bucks.....I would say.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Business Jokes
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
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The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Little Johnny Jokes
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied theyoung man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied theyoung man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. [Temporal mechanics?]
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. [Woof!]
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. [And common sense isn't?]
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. [And get a bigger boat?]
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? [Doesn't that take years?]
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Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. [Woof!]
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. [And common sense isn't?]
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. [And get a bigger boat?]
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? [Doesn't that take years?]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? [Maybe that's why?]
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. [Woof!]
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. [Or if they're learning to play golf?]
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. [Thou shalt not?]
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. [Conventionally speaking, anyway]
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Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. [Woof!]
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. [Or if they're learning to play golf?]
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. [Thou shalt not?]
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. [Conventionally speaking, anyway]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Political Jokes
"What do you think of Red China?" One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.
"Oh, I don't know," said the other woman. "I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth."
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A woman told her hubby she didn't care what he got her for her birthday but it had to go from 0-200 in seconds. He could pick out the model, color, etc. She didn't care about anything but that it was FAST!!
He got her a bathroom scale!
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"What do you think of Red China?" One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.
"Oh, I don't know," said the other woman. "I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth."
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A woman told her hubby she didn't care what he got her for her birthday but it had to go from 0-200 in seconds. He could pick out the model, color, etc. She didn't care about anything but that it was FAST!!
He got her a bathroom scale!
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