Recycling

[Henry J]

Don't hurt yourself doing that!

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Airplane Jokes

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you're right.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (squeak!)
S: Cat installed. (Meow!)

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(I guess to that midget, every problem looked like a nail?)

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[lswot]

"Sometimes you're the hammer....sometimes you're the nail"

[Henry J]

I thought that was bug and windshield?

[Henry J]

: One Liners Jokes

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?

Because the rest are weekdays.

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: One Liners Jokes

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?

A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!

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[Henry J]

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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Farmer Jokes

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."
Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together.

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[Henry J]

Police Jokes

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
"I'm outside the Plaza Mall," he reported. "A man has been robbed I've got one of them."
"Which one?" asked the operator.
"The one that was robbed."

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[Henry J]

: Work Jokes

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

(To really screw up, you need a computer?)

(Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.)

(Hey wait, I thought that joke had lawyers in the punch line, not... )

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[lswot]

I thought that was bug and windshield?

same song.....different verse

[Henry J]

Lost: apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: eight puppies from a german shepherd and an alaskan hussy.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness.

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Sign at car mechanic:

Bring your car to us. You'll never go anywhere else.

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Eschew obfuscation!

Eliminate unnecessary superfluous redundancies!

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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Erma Bombeck:

"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

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[Henry J]

Erma Bombeck:

"Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."

(I didn't do it!)

"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."

(I didn't do it!)

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

(And then arranged the deck chairs?)

"I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order."

(Ah, a woman of letters!)

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

(And, she likely wouldn't care whether the light was on or not.)

"I do not participate in any sport that has ambulances at the bottom of the hill."

(Yeah, cause if one of them has two medics on board, that would be a paradox.)

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[Henry J]

: Animal Jokes

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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