Recycling

[Henry J]

Running for Senate

A young man was running for the Senate in New York State. His political advisor heard some news that really upset him.

"Look," he said, "You've got to go to Albany right away or you'll lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."

"I've got to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose more votes," the candidate replied.

"What's going on in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.

"They're telling the truth about me there," the candidate replied.

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[lswot]

beware the truth.......because it's probably somebodies lie.

That doesn't make sense....but, hey.....it's politics

[Henry J]

Government Solutions

During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs 12 inches at a cost of 6 million dollars.

"That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it ; instead of the federal government."

"Why's that?"

"Because knowing the Federal government, they'd decided to lower all the highways."

(Heck, where's the cents in that? )

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[lswot]

.. Start diggin'

[Henry J]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around"

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Politicians and Diapers
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

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A Good Liar
A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you." "Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

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[lswot]

liar liar pants on fire

[Henry J]

No one believes seniors . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were
walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Charles
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[Henry J]

Movie Stars
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Popes and Lawyers
The pope and an attorney arrived at the Pearly Gates at just the same time, and St. Peter showed them to their quarters.

First the pope was taken to his room, a small, spartan cubicle with a chair, a desk, and a Bible.

Then the lawyer was shown to his room, a massive duplex with women, wine, and a huge waterbed.

"Excuse me, "said the lawyer to St. Peter, "there must be some mistake. Shouldn't the pope have this room?"

St. Peter shook his head:
"No. We have dozens of popes in heaven, but you're our first attorney."

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[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

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[Henry J]

Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a watchdog group, recently released its annual list of Wacky Warning Labels. Here are the winners:

1. A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

2. An electric hand blender used to blend, whip, chop and dice advises purchasers: "Never remove food from blades while the product is operating."

3. A popular scooter for children cautions: "This product moves when used."

4. This warning was discovered on a thermometer used to take a person's temperature: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

DDDDddduuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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[lswot]

"DDDDddduuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
well, yeah......

[Henry J]

The sixties were a time of hope, a time of rebellion and a time for planning new ways to do things. They planned new ways that they hoped would not be worse than what was being done at the time.

In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so common) with militant prohibition-ism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away.

They believed that: "Peas would rule the planets and love would clear the bars.

It was the dawning of the age of asparagus."

(And, that slogan spear-headed the movement back then. )

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[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

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