Recycling

[Henry J]

: One Liners Jokes

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late

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[lswot]

: One Liners Jokes

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late

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You speak from experience?

[Henry J]

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. . .and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

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I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

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[Henry J]

confession...........
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
"You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

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[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people -- whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

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[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies (part 2 of 2)

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

( Say, should somebody ask the obvious question about number 19? )

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[Henry J]

Police Jokes

Quick Wit:

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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[lswot]

rut rho

[Henry J]

"rho"? That's Greek to me!

[Henry J]

: Female Jokes

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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[lswot]

"rho"? That's Greek to me!

... knew you'd say that

[Henry J]

: Kid Jokes

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.

He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

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[Henry J]

: Male Jokes

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.

The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again.

Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned," he begins.

"Go ahead, son," the priest says.

"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind."

"That's great," the priest replies. "'Thou shalt not steal' is a powerful commandment."

"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."

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