Recycling

[Henry J]

: Computer Jokes

As Computer Tech I sometimes help clients over the phone. Here is a recent phone dialogue I had with one of my customers.

Tech: Workshops can I help.
Customer: My dog is not barking, how can I make it bark.
Tech: I am sorry mam but this is not SPCA.
Customer: I know that but how can I make the dog on my computer bark.
Tech: Do you mean a dog in a computer game or something?
Customer: I mean a small dog that comes on when I type in Microsoft Word.
Tech: Are your speakers on?
Customer: No.
Tech: Turn on your speakers and you will hear your dog barking when it barks.
Customer: Ooooh why didn't I figure that, thanks so much.

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(Woofer? Well, on the bright side, at least her cup holder wasn't broken! )

[Henry J]

Safely Home

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane, so before takeoff, she went to see the captain about her fears.

"You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired.

"Don't worry, Madam," came the friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

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Reassurance

Nervous passenger to stewardess:

"How often do these aircraft crash?"

Stewardess:

"Only once"

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[Henry J]

Little Johnny Jokes

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

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[lswot]

. Little pitchers

[Henry J]

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens hadn't evolved yet. (And roads hadn't been invented yet either, but never mind that.)

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[Henry J]

Mosquito

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.

Then on eof them saw some fireflies and said to his friend, "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

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[Henry J]

Marriage Jokes

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

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[lswot]

Sounds about right

[Xjmt]

Sounds about right

[Henry J]

Definition of "politics":

"poly" - prefix meaning "many".

"tick" - small blood sucking creature.

You do the math.

The trouble with political jokes is too many of them get elected.

Problem with electing officials for high offices:

This guarantees that you'll get somebody dumb enough to want the job, badly enough to go out of their way to get it.

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[Henry J]

Bar & Drinking Jokes

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says.

"Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies "50 cents."

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[Henry J]

"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife.
"What, hon?" she asks.
"The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one."
"Huh", his wife says, "I bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in number 23."

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[lswot]

Uh.......oops

[Xjmt]

Uh.......oops

[Henry J]

: Question / Answer Jokes

Do you know why Noah didn't fish very often?

He only had two worms.

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