Recycling

[Henry J]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese." (Chris Rock)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)

"When you're eight years old, nothing is your business." (Lenny Bruce)

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." (Dave Barry)

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[Henry J]

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

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These are actual headlines that appeared in newspapers....

"Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" (Cornell Daily Sun)

"Car, Hearse, Collide: One Dead in Crash" (Raleigh News and Observer)

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[lswot]

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[Henry J]

Performance Terms

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

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At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.

"What is this for?"

"For you headache, dear."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Good."

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[Henry J]

Two atoms talking:

Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."

(It's elementary! Also electrifying. )

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[Henry J]

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

(I guess it is a change from the usual type of robbery. )

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Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.

If the network goes down, send an e-mail.

(To err is human; to really screw up you need a computer. )

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Sober?

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in andout of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

(I guess it wasn't synthehol?)

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[Henry J]

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

He says, "All right, Maw."

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole."

He puts his head down in the hole and he says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

He goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck!"

She says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

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[Henry J]

Okay here is one with the, Question WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

Subject: Flying

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.

The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember... things aren't always as they appear.

(De plane! De plane!)

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[Henry J]

: Family Jokes

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

(Wax on, wax off?)

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[Henry J]

Three guys found themselves in Hades: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4', dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, 'Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!' And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

'Cindy, you have sinned ........'

(Is that a model punishment, or what?)

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[Henry J]

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances since it is a terminal addiction.

(Say what? Say what?)

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