Recycling

[lswot]

........<sigh>

[Henry J]

: Teachers Jokes

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

(Oh, it was an auto mechanics course that we're talking about here? )

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[Henry J]

Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

(Meow?)

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[Henry J]

"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

(Also, if twins don't know about each other, then it's probable that one of them is good and the other is evil, so which is which? )

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[lswot]

It's all subjective.

[Henry J]

Subjective? I thought it was relative!

[lswot]

That, too.

[Henry J]

: Bar & Drinking Jokes

"Waiter! Waiter!" said a guy in a restaurant. 5-55 minutes later. "Waiter! Waiter!" said the guy. In the kitchen, "Someone is calling you, sir," said the cook to the waiter. "I know. I'm waiting," said the waiter.

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Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he slurred.

"I'm the devil," she answered.

"Well, come on home with me," he said. "I married your sister."

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[Henry J]

The problem with political jokes is that too many of them get elected.

The problem with using elections to decide who runs things is that it guarantees that you'll have somebody running things who was dumb enough to actually want the job, and badly enough to actively seek it.

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[Henry J]

There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

(Hey, the last time I read this one wasn't it a golf game and he got a hole in one? There's something fishy about this version!)

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[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

(Good thing they didn't get around to the Pythagorean theorem, isn't it? )

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[Henry J]

THEORY OF THE UNIVERSE

Carl Zwanzig
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."

(And if it should move but doesn't, there's WD-40.)

Douglas Adams
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Rich Cook
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

(Or to paraphrase it, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. )

Edward P. Tryon
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

Max Frisch
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Fred Hoyle
"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Christopher Morley
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."

(And if it did have a charge, who would pay it, and to who? )

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

(Who they gonna call? )

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Then there's what some philosopher once said: "Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!"

[Henry J]

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(That does sound like an alarming situation now, doesn't it? )

[Henry J]

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't right know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not. You don't ask questions, you never learn nothing."

(Yeah, learning stuff can be like hard work or something!)

(Except for chemistry, since that's elementary.)

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[lswot]

A little bit of knowledge.....etc, etc