Recycling

This is for General chit chat and such.
If it doesn't fit in any of the other forums, it goes here. Knock yerself out.

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:14 pm

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know, you could, just click off now and never read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says;

" Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair;
adds permanent wave. "

****************************************

Hey, I don't make them up.. I just pass them along...

Oh, and take two more aspirin.
:chase:

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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling

Post by Xjmt » Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:21 am

Hey, I don't make them up.. I just pass them along...
Gee, thanks. :coffee:

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:22 am

Xjmt wrote:
Hey, I don't make them up.. I just pass them along...
Gee, thanks. :coffee:
shudda known....... :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Feb 09, 2017 6:54 pm

Understanding air flight:

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
[But only if he/she left the cockpit door open, which they rarely do. ]

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
[Error... Error... Error... ]

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
[Yeah, but trigonometry can be a hard subject. ]

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
[Brain, brain, what is brain? ]

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Charles

==========================================================
The pilot of a small plane made an emergency landing on a highway when his plane developed engine trouble. He left the plane and went to a car that was pulled off on the side of the road.

The driver rolled down the window as the pilot came up to the car.

But before he could say anything, the driver's wife leaned across and said, "We're very sorry, sir. Nobody in the world but my husband could start out on a freeway and wind up in an airport."

From AAA who obviously have closely observed wives for many generations now.
==========================================================

De plane! De plane!

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:11 pm

A couple visiting a movie set as they vacationed in Hollywood marveled at how much alike two actresses appeared.

"They must be twins." one said. "It's remarkable how much alike they look."

"No, they're not related," said the tour guide. "But they have been going to the same plastic surgeon for years."

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Feb 11, 2017 5:27 pm

Marriage Jokes

A couple are reading the paper, the wife says "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"

Her husband, not to appear uninterested replied "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!"

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Feb 12, 2017 3:35 pm

Family Jokes

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:22 pm

Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock
Who's there?

Boo
Boo who?

Why are you crying it's just a joke!!

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Tue Feb 14, 2017 10:46 am

Pete and repeat were crossing the bridge....Pete fell off who was left :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Feb 14, 2017 7:23 pm

Kid Jokes

Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, "Billy, do not walk into class late again."

The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, "Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late."

Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:22 pm

Miscellaneous Jokes

An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number.

Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, "Look here, miss, do you know who I am?"

"No," she replied calmly, "but I now where you are."

(Well, nuts!)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Feb 16, 2017 7:11 pm

Full Speed Ahead

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

(Yeah, did Sulu ever go into warp before Kirk had beamed up? That wouldn't be logical. )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:33 pm

One Liners Jokes

Note outside a laundry shop: "Drop your clothes here for best results" !!

(Say what?)

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Feb 18, 2017 4:07 pm

Work Jokes

In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause. On his weekly time card he describes his position as Meat Head."

(Any connection to the Bunker's? At least that would keep it all in the family! )

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Feb 19, 2017 4:29 pm

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

Wee Gordon Forsyth lived with his parents in a remoter part of Scotland, where some of the modern conveniences townsfolk take for granted had not yet arrived. For example, there was no connection to the sewage system, so they had to use an outhouse. Wee Gordon hated it - hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and an unpleasant smell all the time.

The outhouse stood at the side of a burn (a Highland stream) and one day, after a heavy fall of rain, which made the burn rise almost to reach the outhouse, Wee Gordon decided to push the building into the water. He thought that would induce his parents to find a better solution. That evening, his father confronted Wee Gordon and sternly said to him "Someone pushed the outhouse into the burn today. It was you, wasn't it, laddie?"

Wee Gordon nodded and then added: "At school today we were told the story of George Washington who chopped down a tree and didn't get into trouble because he didn't lie and told his father the truth." His father glowered, however. "Well, laddie, that's all very well. But George Washington's father wasn't up the tree when it got chopped down..."

(So what this is saying is that George was out on a limb in this matter? Or even up a creek without a paddle? Oh wait, he may not have been without a paddle at that time... )

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