Recycling

[Henry J]

Granted, they were no terminators. In fact, they were exterminators. (Just ask them! )

....har har

Here here!

[Henry J]

The Rector--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath."

The Man-- "Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."

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The world's greatest after dinner speech: "Waiter, give me both checks."

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[Henry J]

Lightbulbs Jokes

Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.

(Let there be light! Or something. )

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[Henry J]

Animal Jokes

This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!
1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human's chest as a use for entertainment.
3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.
3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.
4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.
4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human's bedroom and under the bed.
4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.
4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.
5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.
5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.
8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.
3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human's bed and finds comfort under the covers.
5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.
5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.
5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.
6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!
9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 because it wants to find another job.
9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.
12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................

(Me(ow)thinks what we have there is a failure to commune a cat ... )

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[lswot]

Is that an "Ode to the Cat"?

[Henry J]

Cat ode? sounds like an electronic component...

[lswot]

Cat ode? sounds like an electronic component...

......

[Henry J]

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

Sandy Forsyth asked to see his boss after pay day and held up his pay packet. "There's been a mistake" said Sandy. "You've paid me £30 pounds short."

His boss nodded. "I know," he said. "But I paid you £30 too much last week."

Sandy responded "I noticed that too. I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, I felt I had to draw your attention to it.."

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[Henry J]

: Police Jokes

A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"

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Animal Jokes

Q: Why are anteaters so healthy?

A: Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!

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[Henry J]

Signs Jokes

Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."

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[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said.
"You don't know how it feels."

"I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations."

"Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."

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[Henry J]

Musician Jokes

The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey.

"Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said David.

Mr. Harris nodded, "You certainly have a fine weapon."

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[Henry J]

Teachers Jokes

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.

The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."

Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

(Qvack! That's definitely a Daffy answer! It might not even need Duck tape to fix it! )

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[lswot]

.......sufferin succatash

[Henry J]

No no, that was Daffy, not Silvester.