Recycling

[Henry J]

Antartian Jokes

Q: How do you know an Antartian has been using the computer?

A: There is White-Out on the screen

=================================

[Henry J]

Don't take your pet rock for granite.

[Henry J]

A serial murderer is executed and his soul goes to Hell where he is greeted by Satan.
Satan tells him that he has his choice of three rooms to spend eternity.

The first room is in the bottom of a volcano with rivers of molten lava everywhere, and the people there are mining coal to fuel the fires. The temperature was an unbearable 2000 degrees.

The next room is where the furnaces of Hell are at. People are shoveling coal to feed the fires of Hell for eternity. It was about 600 degrees in this room.

The last room was a nearly comfortable 85 degrees. There were thousands of people standing waist deep in wet manure drinking coffee and eating snacks. The murderer speaks out and says "This is the room for me!" Satan leaves him in the room and locks the door.

Moments later a voice comes over the loud speaker and says "Coffee break's over! Everybody, back on your heads!"

(The devil you say! )

=================================

[Henry J]

An old American man is at Charles DeGaulle Airport going through customs. The French official looks through his passport and speaks in an offended tone, "Monsieur, is it possible that in these advancing years, you 'ave never visited France before?"

"Well," says the old man, "no, I've actually been here once before."

"Sir zat ees impossible you must be mistaken. French officials are very effective, and eef you had been here before it would appear on your passport."

"Well, when my unit landed here at Normandy in '44, I looked around but I couldn't find any French officials to look at my papers."

=================================

[lswot]

Good one

[Henry J]

SCRABBLE, Look what the letters spell

-----
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

=========================================

[lswot]

clever

[Henry J]

Then there's "Tom Marvolo Riddle", but let us not mention what that anagrams to...

[Henry J]

This is the one I should have posted on Labor Day:

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
_______________________________________________
The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
_____________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
______________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
_____________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
___________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
_________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
_________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
_____________________________________________

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children... or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children.
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for not strangling your teenagers!

=========================================

[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Idiots Jokes

"You have been in Rome?"
"Yes"
"Did you visit The Coliseum."
"Yes"
"and ?"
"It will be splendid when it is finished."

(Maybe that guy has done enough Roman around? But at least he didn't fall off that tower in Pisa. )

===============================================

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's real automation! He exclaimed. "It even drinks it for you!"

(Ah, but remember: change is inevitable! Er, except from vending machines. )

===============================================

[Henry J]

The Birds
Once there were these two birds that, every year for quite a few years, had one egg, which they hatched and nurtured and loved until the little chick was ready to leave the nest.

Then, one year, they had two eggs! Well, they were just so excited they could hardly stand it; this year they would each have an egg to take care of and love. They kept close watch on those two eggs so that no harm came to them.

Then one day when the eggs were ready to hatch, an earthquake shook the tree that the nest was in; the two birds flew away to safety, all the while worrying about those two eggs that were about to hatch.

When the tremor was finished, they hurried back to the nest.

As they neared it, they heard one strong "Cheep" coming from the nest.

They were worried that something might have happened to the other egg, but when they got to the nest, they found that there were two chicks cheeping in unison.

This just goes to show that two can cheap as lively as one.
_________________

[lswot]

**groan**

[Henry J]

glad ya liked it!

Or where you saying that one was for the birds?