Recycling

[Henry J]

Subject: How to stay married

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"

she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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[Henry J]

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at.

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[Henry J]

Nurse walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, we got a man out there who claims to be invisible."

Doc says, "Well, you might as well send him home. I can't see him."

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[Henry J]

Do astronauts use vacuum cleaners?

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Procrastinate NOW!

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Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation!

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[lswot]

Do astronauts use vacuum cleaners?

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Procrastinate NOW!

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Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation!

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Good ones.....especially the first one....

[Henry J]

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

[lswot]

<groan>

[Xjmt]

<groan>

[Henry J]

It's not how fast ya get there, it's not what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb, Max.

[Henry J]

(Sorry about that, Chief)

[Henry J]

Regarding earlier question of astronauts using vacuum cleaners, maybe that's how they deal with dark matter?

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Don't put off until tomorrow something that you can get out of doing completely.

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A good pun is its own reword.

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[lswot]

"A good pun is its own reword."
That was punny

[Henry J]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too . He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.