Recycling

[Henry J]

Scenes From the Movies, continued

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
[Oui! ]

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
[Ouch! ]

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
[To borrow catch phrase from Dr. Smith: Oh, the pane! the pane!]

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
[Heck, if there were strange noises coming from my underwear, I'd worry about it, too. ]

20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
[It's more dramatic that way! ]

[Henry J]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

=======================

Red shirt? Red shirt? Has this guy never watched the right TV shows? (In the 17th century? Oh.)

[lswot]

Red Shirt......did somebody say Red Shirt?
Convention coming soon......Aug 1 - Aug 5 hope to see you there....

[Henry J]

Fishing Funny

A man was watching a fisherman at work. The fisherman caught a giant trout but threw it back into the river. Next the fisherman hooked a huge pike and threw it back. Finally, the fisherman caught a little bass. He smiled and put the little bass in his bag.

"Hey," yelled a guy who was watching. "Why did you throw back a giant trout and a huge pike and then keep a little bass?"

The fisherman yelled back, "Small frying pan."

=======================

Comment from the fish: "out of the frying pan, into the fisherman".

[lswot]

so 'size matters.?

[Henry J]

Yep. Scythe matters.

[lswot]

Yeah, that too

[Henry J]

Police Jokes

Quick Wit:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

=======================

[Henry J]

-----------------------------
New Exercise for Seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks.

Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks;

but be careful.

-----------------------------

[lswot]

Be careful o
f
w
h
a
t?

[Henry J]

Potatoes, of course.

Because they have eyes.

[Henry J]

Safely Home

An elderly woman was nervous about making her first flight in an airplane, so before takeoff, she went to see the captain about her fears.

"You will bring me down safely, won't you?" she anxiously inquired.

"Don't worry, Madam," came the friendly reply. "I haven't left anyone up there yet."

------------------------

(But there's always a first time, right? )

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

-----------------------------------------

May the fourth be with you!

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Reassurance

Nervous passenger to stewardess:

"How often do these aircraft crash?"

Stewardess:

"Only once"

------------------------

(But statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel, Lois? So up up and away? )