Recycling

[Henry J]

A father often read Bible stories to his young children.

One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

[Maybe the flea flew through a flaw in the flue? Along with a fly? ]

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

King of Tarts
Knowing her husband's habit of sampling her baking, a woman left a note on a dozen mince tarts reading: 'Counted - one dozen.'

When she returned, two tarts were missing and the note had been altered to read: 'One metric dozen.'

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[Henry J]

Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

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[Henry J]

Did you hear about the family who was evicted from their tree house? The bank says they didn't pay their mortgage, but the family says it's a mix-up because they recently switched branches.

(Well now, that would leave them out on a limb, wouldn't it? Let's hope they have a nest egg someplace. )

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[Xjmt]

Did you hear about the family who was evicted from their tree house? The bank says they didn't pay their mortgage, but the family says it's a mix-up because they recently switched branches.

(Well now, that would leave them out on a limb, wouldn't it? Let's hope they have a nest egg someplace. )

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Unfortunately that's more true then funny!

[Henry J]

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

(Well, that's worth a thousand words, or what! )

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[Henry J]

Judge: Do I understand that you're trying to show contempt for this court?

Lawyer: No your honor. I am trying to hide it.

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[Henry J]

HOW TO START A FIGHT
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

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: Female Jokes

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Charles

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

: Judges Jokes

"What is your occupation?" asked the judge.
"I'm a locksmith, your honor."
"And what were you doing in the jeweler's shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?'
" I was making a bolt for the door!"

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[Henry J]

Moose Hunters

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."

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[Henry J]

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." (Groucho Marx)

(And probably not much elbow room, either.)

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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." (Dave Barry)

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