Recycling

[Henry J]

News headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[Gee, ya think?]

Eye Drops off Shelf
[All the better to see with?]

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
[That'll motivate them!]

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
[Ran out of syrup?]

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
[SPCA?]

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
[Hold still, now...]

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
[That could lead to udder failure.]

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[Pull up! Pull up!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[Well that's childish of them!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[They made them assistants in magic acts?]

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[Henry J]

These are actual headlines that appeared in newspapers....

"Priest in Fatal Crash Improves" (Lakeland (Florida) Ledger)

"Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link" (Cornell Daily Sun)

"Car, Hearse, Collide: One Dead in Crash" (Raleigh News and Observer)

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Psychics predict World Didn't end yesterday.

Sun or Rain expected today, Dark tonight.

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[Henry J]

Same old, same old.....

A first-grade teacher supposedly handed her class the first part of well-known proverbs and asked them to fill in the rest.......

It's always darkest before..... daylight-savings time.

Don't bite the hand that....... looks dirty

You can't teach an old dog new..... math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.... stink in the morning

A penny saved is.... not much

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not.... grounded

When the blind leadeth the blind.... get out of the way.

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[Henry J]

Physics lessening for the day...

It has been argued that most of the great strides in theoretical physics had already been made as the twentieth century comes to a close. Yet, a neglected area of study are the physics governing behavior in cartoon land.

Below is a codification of some of the physical regularities governing that universe.

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Example
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second squared takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Comment
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Comment
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Comment
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
Gravity is negated by fear.

Comment
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.

The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
The number of locations an object can occupy at any point in time is increasing in that object's velocity.

Discussion
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Unexplained Stylized Fact
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

Discussion
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations. A corollary to this fact is that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. I

Cartoon Law VII
A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law VIII
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law IX
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

Discussion
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law X
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Discussion
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters

Example
The Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law XI
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law XI
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Discussion
This operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

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(Not to mention that stuff from Acme rarely works, but apparently can be afforded even by somebody that can't manage to buy groceries... )

[Henry J]

Chemistry lessen for the day...

Two atoms talking:

Atom 1: "I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."

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[Henry J]

Technology lessen for the day...

Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.

If the network goes down, send an e-mail.

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[Henry J]

: Teachers Jokes

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

(That sounds like a deflating experience!)

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[Henry J]

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

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Not to mention that old saying: "beauty is in the eye of the beer holder".

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[Henry J]

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol. However, researchers go on to say that the internet is actually much more dangerous than these addictive substances since it is a terminal addiction.

(But with proper precautions one can take a byte out of the problem! Or at least a nibble!)

[lswot]

clever...

[Henry J]

Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he slurred.

"I'm the devil," she answered.

"Well, come on home with me," he said. "I married your sister."

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( The devil you say! )

[Henry J]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

(Yeah, that guy needs lessons awright. Maybe from the Snowman and the Bandit?)

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[lswot]

Still waters and all that...….