Recycling

[Henry J]

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Some Cat's New Years Resolutions
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My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

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[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.

Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.

Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it's been.

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[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked "How will that help?"

(Good question!)

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is the your customers don't complain when they get hair in their food.

(And, hare probably wouldn't bugs them either, the wascals.)

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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[Henry J]

Doctors Jokes

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. "Listen," the doctor said, "if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"It's true," said the patient, "but my wife refuses to sleep alone."

[Henry J]

Elderly Jokes

"I see you're losing your hair."
"Nonsense. I know exactly where it is - down the bathroom sink."

That one reminded somebody of this one:

That elderly joke reminds me of one that Joan Rivers told recently on the Graham Norton show.

"When men tell me, 'I've lost my hair', I ask them, 'Have you checked your ears?'"

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."

[Henry J]

From an episode of Jeopardy!:

Q: The cartoon character Porky the Pig appeared with a cat named what?

A: What is "Beans".

Think about it...

(Are you ready for this?)

The two of them were "Porky and Beans".

[lswot]

*groan*

[Henry J]

glad you liked it!

[Henry J]

Just Ask Newton

MEDICAL STUDENT: Professor, why do we have to study physics? It has nothing to do with our profession.

Professor: Because it saves lives.

Student: How on earth can a physics course save lives?

Professor: It prevents idiots from graduating.

[Henry J]

Taking It Lightly

SOME CITY BOYS were on their first camping trip. As they sat around the campfire, mosquitoes began to bite them.

"Let's go inside the tents," the counselor suggested.

That night, while everybody was sleeping, one of the boys woke up and nudged the counselor.

"What's wrong?" the counselor asked.

The boy pointed to a group of fireflies. "It's those mosquitoes again, and this time they brought flashlights!"

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(Yep, to all in tents and purposes, those bugs have seen the light! )

[Henry J]

Quick Question

IF MARRIAGE were illegal, would only outlaws have in-laws?

[Henry J]

They asked my Uncle Wally if anybody in his family suffers from insanity.

He said "No, they all seem to be enjoying it."

[lswot]

har har