Recycling

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Apr 18, 2019 5:25 pm

These are supposed to by factual calls! (3/3)

Customer: "What I want is one of those email programs from the movie 'You've Got Mail'. The kind that doesn't need to be logged into the Internet to check for mail."
~~~~~
Tech: "Okay, your new password is 'password1', all lower case."
Customer: "Is that 1 in lower case, too?"
~~~~~
Tech: (Has just spent ten minutes explaining the ins and outs of web-hosting, domain names, secure site transactions, and other setup information for a business account.)
Customer: "Hmmm. Does this mean I need a computer?"
~~~~~
Tech: "What process do you go through to get connected?"
Customer: (completely serious) I pray to God and He connects me.
*******

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Apr 19, 2019 5:35 pm

The Wall Street type wanted to be proud of his family roots. After getting past the more recent trailer dwellers, he discovered some ancestors that had come to America on the Mayflower. The line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. Now he decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. He hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose ---- how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The guy said he could handle that chapter of history factually.

The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death came as a real shock."
***********

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:37 pm

Points to Ponder (1 of 2):

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding. and 4. Mating.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sun Apr 21, 2019 1:41 pm

Points to Ponder (2 of 2):

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Experience is a marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What is important is that you continue to do so.

Do not worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Mon Apr 22, 2019 4:26 pm

*****

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli

*****

There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.

Georges Pompidou

*****

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Tue Apr 23, 2019 6:11 pm

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

2. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

3. Hi. Now you say something.

4. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Wed Apr 24, 2019 5:43 pm

6. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

7. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

9. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Thu Apr 25, 2019 9:55 am

I am appalled at how many people get our answering machine recording then say..."HELLO?" Don't they EVER listen???

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Thu Apr 25, 2019 10:23 am

Good question.
I believe some are just checking to see if you're screening your calls....if you have that capability...I don't.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Apr 25, 2019 12:46 pm

I use the "caller id" display to screen calls.

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:13 pm

10. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

12. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

*****

Hello, you have reached my answering machine. If you will leave your name and number, then, after I have doctored the tape, you too can be implicated in a major political sex scandal.

*****

Xjmt · Post by **Xjmt** » Thu Apr 25, 2019 4:35 pm

Henry J wrote: ↑
Thu Apr 25, 2019 3:13 pm
10. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

12. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

*****

Hello, you have reached my answering machine. If you will leave your name and number, then, after I have doctored the tape, you too can be implicated in a major political sex scandal.

*****

lswot · Post by **lswot** » Fri Apr 26, 2019 10:23 am

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Fri Apr 26, 2019 2:38 pm

******

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

******

Henry J · Post by **Henry J** » Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:04 pm

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

******

The Show Place

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