For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. [and if you do, wash your hands afterward.]
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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Xjmt
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Re: Recycling
". Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. [and if you do, wash your hands afterward.]"
Doesn't that mean a lot of us would not have been born??
Doesn't that mean a lot of us would not have been born??
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity (continued).
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Flying 'truisms'" (1 of 2)
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Flying 'truisms'" (2 of 2)
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you, even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
*****
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to you, even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a "good" seat
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Aircraft Landings"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
[Surely not!]
*****
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
*****
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
*****
De plane! De plane!
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
[Surely not!]
*****
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."
*****
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
*****
De plane! De plane!
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Aircraft Landings" (2 of 2)
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*****
About 5 or 6 years ago on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
*****
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
*****
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*****
About 5 or 6 years ago on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
*****
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System" (1 of 2)
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry...... (silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back .... we .. we .... uhhhhhh .... forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock.... one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm.... Sorry...... (silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh.... we have to go back .... we .. we .... uhhhhhh .... forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
"Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System" (2 of 2)
9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
*****
Now let me add one more:
Where'd that flock of geese come from?
*****
9. This is your Captain speaking.... these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
*****
Now let me add one more:
Where'd that flock of geese come from?
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
(Or at least a nibble.)
(But, all it found was a few bits.)
*****
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
*****
It was looking for a byte to eat.
(Or at least a nibble.)
(But, all it found was a few bits.)
*****
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Keyboard not found - press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue. Press any other key to quit.
Press any key to continue. NO NO - NOT THAT ONE!
RAM disk is not a startup procedure.
*****
Press any key to continue. Press any other key to quit.
Press any key to continue. NO NO - NOT THAT ONE!
RAM disk is not a startup procedure.
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. [Oh, the old ID-ten-T problem?]
*****
But on the other hand, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. [Oh, the old ID-ten-T problem?]
*****
But on the other hand, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
*****
*****